The Espada Guide to Parenting
by Impervious Marr
Summary: Life's good. War's over. Las Nachos - I mean Noches, is getting cleaner, Aizen's giving us all vacations, and - by the way, I have a kid stalker who thinks I'm his mom and Ulquiorra's his dad. LG, man. L effin' G. GrimmUlqui.
1. Attachment

**The Espada Guide to Parenting**

by Impervious Marr

xoxox

Summary: Life's good. War's over. Las Nachos - I mean Noches, is getting cleaner, Aizen's giving us all vacations, and - by the way, I have a kid stalker who thinks I'm his mom and Ulquiorra's his dad. LG, man, LG. GrimmUlqui.

Warnings: MxM, yaoi - GrimmUlqui sort. xD Pointless fluff thingythingy. Lots of cussin'. (It's Grimmjow.) FIRST PERSON POV. An OC who is _not_ in love with the main characters. (Gasp.) In fact, he's a little kid.

A/N: ... I got bored. oo This is set in a sort of Alternate Timeline. I mean, Grimmy's still an Espada and all, but the whole war between Shinigamis and stuff are like, not happening at the moment. I don't know the exact timeline. Maybe there's a truce, blahblahblah, shit happens.

And I wanted to write some more cliches between Grimmy and Ulqui. XDDD;

I DON'T KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING D:

Read and review, please! Thank you!

xoxox

xoxox

_One_

_Attachment_

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The day started off wonderfully. _Seriously. _It can _not _get any more fucking better than this. The war was like... Sort of anti-climatic; we won, yadda yadda yadda, Aizen's the new Gawd, everyone's happy except the stupid leftover Shittygami-dorks who can't see how awesome it is to leave the _all-knowing _bastard on his god-complex session - ruling the world. He wasn't as bad of a leader than everybody thought, and shit happened; everything's cool.

Yeah.

I don't even get to lift up my fucking hand for a fight anymore!

So Aizen gave us all vacations.

Yeah, _absolutely fucking wonderful._

Yes. If you didn't pick up the sarcasm before, I'm really sorry for the other people who have to put up with your slowness.

I'm not happy. Get this. I am _not _a happy camper. See the sentence above when I said I don't even get to lift up my fuckin' hand and so on? Yep.

I'm not happy, because nobody's actually up for fighting anymore. That berry-head's in school again, so is everybody else. Shittygami are busy rebuilding. All the other Espada and Arrancars are either dead, still in eternal pain, or are on said vacations earlier and do not want to spare a little time with ol' Grimmy here.

The ones who _are_ up for fighting_, _are wimps. One blast of a cero and all that's left are their _stained with pee _pants. Dude, it is amusing, but after the first _million _episodes of pants-pissing, I'm cracking knuckles and no grins.

So.

It.

Was.

_Boring._

It's no fun winning. Yeah, there you have it, ladies and gentlemen - an actual specimen of a sore _winner._

Oh, it gets better and _better_. Just sit tight and enjoy the ride.

xoxox

In the Human World, there's television, alcohol, cars and catnip.

In other words, in the Human World, there's entertainment.

You can't go wrong with that, and it's way better in Hueco Mun-blah - utopia for the white-o-phillic, the scene for the no sunshine and the source of all things holey.

Well fuck that.

So I decided, since I'm on my vacation and all, I should be allowed to go wherever the fuck I want. First choice was Human World, since Soul Society was at its _finest_ at the moment, and you can only rip between two dimensions at one time. Insert some mumbo-jumbo here about defying physics, and I was already there, enjoying the sights.

And I decided that life was good. For a time. Someone up there had to be a smartass about it and give the most perfect timing to fuck up my life.

A kid.

And not just any kid - a little boy that was about wee-high, black hair-blue eyed; with the most adorable puppy-eyes that I want to beat the shit out of, and get this. He was -

Nah, tell ya what; I'll spoil the surprise later.

xoxox

The weather was awesome. Not too sunshiney and not too gloomy for me to break out 'Fuck, Szayel must be singing again'.

And, as always, when someone says that too soon, the shine's gonna get into your eyes the moment you step out into another street. I reeled away slightly from the sun that practically threw itself onto my face. Fuck sunshine.

Nobody saw me, practically, so I was strolling without a fucking care in the world - until a boy stopped, and started following me.

With his eyes.

How fucking creepy was that?

I stopped, and his eyes stopped. Went to the left, they went to the left. Went to the right and you get my meaning. Whatever this kid was doing, I didn't like it.

"Oi, kid," I started, scowling, because the sun was too fucking cheerful at this time of the month for me to deal with. "Stop that."

He mumbled something. I didn't really catch it. Then he looked up at me with wide blue eyes and walked towards me with a kicked-puppy look that I would just love to smack the hell out of.

"... Whatever," I said, then tried to lose him by weaving through the crowd and getting into a corner. There. Creepy boy gone.

Then I turned and he was fucking _there, _staring up at me again with that puppy-dog '_Don't Leave Me' _look and _oh god I have a stalker._

And not just any stalker. He's a little kid; his head barely reaching where my waist was and he was clutching a little cat plushie with buttons for eyes. Black hair that was kinda familiar and big, deep blue eyes. And he was staring at me as if he just found some new _shiny-shiny_ toy to play with.

Yeah, I can see this in the headlines soon enough. _Grimmjow Jeagerjacques - Child Magnet Extraordinaire._ If I wasn't so occupied with getting the fuck away from the kid, I would've smacked myself for resorting to _headlines_ wisecracking.

"Kid, scram."

He didn't do anything. Instead, he moved closer, eyes almost popping out.

Then I checked around if there were any video cameras. If this is Gin's idea of entertainment, I'mma go make him revise the meaning. Because seriously, it's _freaking me out._ "Okay," I muttered to him, crouching down - a bit paranoid, but with a prankster like Gin on your side you _can't_ be too safe. "Were you bribed by a silver-haired bastard to bug me? Because I'm telling you now, I'm really not in the mood to deal with creepy kid stalkers like you. 'Kay?"

The boy said nothing. The 'nothing' was just like Ulqui-bitch, man.

Ah.

So he reminded me of Ulqui. Damn. Must be some long lost relative (it explains the whole look).

The kid mumbled something I didn't really catch, and I looked at him a bit funnily - before I raised up a hand to rip another portal back to Hueco-Mun-blah. Anywhere's gotta be better than this.

"Mommy," he said solemnly and so _honestly _I couldn't help but choke. I wasn't eating anything so it was probably my own spit. Gross.

"What the fuck?"

"Mommy." Then he grinned up to me brightly, clutching to my hakama-clad leg, resisting the urge to kick him. "Mommm." Then he starting purring. Or something or other. While clutching to my leg.

While _clutching _to my _fucking __**leg.**_

I mean, I was still in a state of shock. The kid must be fucking blind. I was shirtless, thus anybody really could see I was a freaking _guy, _and this kid's old enough to tell between the two, so why the _fuck _was I a 'Mommy'?

Better yet, why the fuck was I still here gawking? I detached him, holding the kid at arm's length.

"... I'm not your Mommy." Nodding as if I just made some philosophical statement relating to life, television, the beyond and the cosmos, I turned on my heels to _go._

"Mommy, where are you going?"

"None of your fucking business, stay away from me, and I'm not. Your. Mommy," I deadpanned, going through the dimensional rip.

Ah. The palace of Las Nachos - I mean, Noches. Never changing, and always smelling of fresh disinfectant, because nothing could be possibly this white. I sniffed it, then turned because I was just planning to just crash in my room because my day was ruined by kidstalk, before the soft _tmp tmp tmp _of a - unmistakably - little kid made me blink.

Then count to ten.

Then look behind. Sure enough, Mr. Creepy Stalker was there.

"What the fuck is your problem, kid!? I'm not your fucking mom!"

"Mommy..."

_Is it possible to file against a kid for stalking?_

Luckily for that kid, we ain't got any fancy stuff like lawyers in Hueco Mun-blah. So he got off lucky. I was set to ignore him, really, before -

_Sniff._

Yes.

_Shit._

Ohhh yes. Ohhh fuck. Turning my head and lo and behold, the kid was _thisclose _to me and _thisclose _to clutching at my pant leg again - and _thisclose _to looking to cry. I gulped. Now, it wasn't everyday that Mr. Grimmy gulped about anything, but I just can't handle crying kids.

"Mommy hates me?"

"I'm not your mommy," was all I _could _say before he started wailing, clutching his cat-plush-thing which was giving me the creepy stare like 'Look what you've done, foo', (_I mean seriously, what the fuck, the cat only had freaking buttons for freaking eyes) _and I rolled my eyes to the back of my head, counting to three. "Stop crying!"

"B-B-But -"

Then he started wailing again.

Then I remembered that we were in _Las Nachos. (Yes, I am hungry, thank you very much.) _So someone was bound to come by at any second, and if they see _me, _Grimmy, with a kid - shit will happen.

Growling, I scooped up the kid and flash-stepped to my room.

xoxox

The kid calmed down when I scooped him up. Then he wouldn't let me put him down unless I wanted a full blast ear torture what with the wailing. Poor things. So I was currently sitting on my bed,

"What the hell am I gonna do with you? I gotta send you back, that's for sure."

He sniffed again. Shit. Then he looked up with those 'Don't Leave Me' eyes _again _and _again _and this kid wasn't for real because how the _hell_ did he know how to guilt-trip?

I stared at him once, then poked him on the stomach. He squirmed and smiled.

_Why do I even want to poke him? Ugh._

Whatever. It's my fault anyway for asking for anything to get rid of that boredom. Maybe I'll find something to do. I mean, this kid was a -

Seriously, what the hell is he? If he could see me before, it's either a plus soul or a human who can see souls or something, and I'm willing to bet on the second since pluses can't move around all that much.

I'm not very good at the whole thinking. That's Ulqui's job.

"And I don't even know your freaking name."

"I don't have one," he mumbled, then smiled brightly. "Give me a name, mommy!"

Then the door to my room slammed open and I almost fell off the bed.

"What the fuck?!"

"Whoops! Sorry, didn't see ya there!"

Gin. And behind him, was Ulqui.

The banes of my fucking existence.

"What the hell do you two want?" I asked politely. If you could call a snarl polite, I salute you. Gin was all used to this.

"Just to check up on ya - Oh. My. What do we have here, hmm?"

I looked down. Shit, they saw the kid. Shit, _Gin _saw the kid. Shit, _Ulqui _was with _Gin._

"... Is that your child, Grimmjow?" Ulquiorra asked curtly, raising an eyebrow. I didn't know whether to strangle him or to gut him alive, because the kid actually beamed brightly and nodded.

"My Mommy!"

"You got lucky, Grimmy! Congratulations! How long have you been hiding this from us?" Gin asked, and I punched him. "Ahaha, just like a true woman! Well spoken, Grimm -" I punched him again. "So what's his name?"

"He doesn't have one. Look, he followed me around in the Human World and ended up here. I know you won't listen anyway so I'm cutting it short by saying _he's not my kid you moron."_ In no mood, man. In no mood. Gin just smiled and poked the kid. He gurgled like a baby and squealed. What the eff.

"Don't do that," I said, swatting his hand off. Gin pouted but it didn't work because that was just creepy, man. "Stop it. And what the hell did you want?"

"Nothing!"

"Why's Ulqui here then?"

"To spend quality time with you of -" I raised my hand threateningly again and he cut off his sentence wisely. The only reason I could punch him was because he let me, anyway, and he didn't really take offense. "Who's the dad?"

"Like for the freaking last _time, _he is _not_, _my, ­_-"

"Daddy!" the kid in my arms squealed, pointing at Ulquiorra, who blinked at the finger and just fuck no. "Daddy! Mommy, he's Daddy, okay? Okay okay?"

_Fuck no._

I didn't even have the mind to say what the fuck. I don't even think Ulqui's got the mind to say what the fuck. (Or a polite equivalent.)

Then Gin started laughing, and both of us punched him.

_xoxox_

_End Chapter One._

xoxox

xoxox

A/N: LOL HANG.

I was in a strange, sleepy mood when I wrote this. I have no plans for the next chapters. As in... I have no idea where this is going.

Also, please be suggesting me a name, if you want, to give to this new addition to the family. o3o

Have a nice day everyone! :D


	2. Naming Your Child

**The Espada Guide to Parenting**

by Impervious Marr

xoxox

Summary: Life's good. War's over. Las Nachos - I mean Noches, is getting cleaner, Aizen's giving us all vacations, and - by the way, I have a kid stalker who thinks I'm his mom and Ulquiorra's his dad. LG, man, LG. GrimmUlqui.

Warnings: MxM, yaoi - GrimmUlqui sort. xD Pointless fluff thingythingy. Lots of cussin'. (It's Grimmjow.) FIRST PERSON POV. An OC who is _not_ in love with the main characters. (Gasp.) In fact, he's a little kid.

A/N: I decided to update early? o.o Well, um, more Gin screentime! And thank for for all the wonderful reviews! I'm so happy ;w; I love you guys!

I'll think about the whole perspective on Ulqui's side for a bit. I'm not very comfortable writing him to be honest, so no guarantees x3;

Read and review, please! Thank you!

xoxox

xoxox

_Two:_

_Lesson One_

_Naming Your Child_

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Back to the situation at hand. My room was filled with peace and quiet. The night was as calm as usual. Even the stupid Hollow birds didn't chirp their merry way this time around. The sands were... Sandy, and the moon was... Moony.

Yeah _fucking _right.

It was chaotic and you felt as if you could die from the tension breaking going on with Gin laughing his head off. Still five minutes to it and he still can't get over the fact that the kid (now dubbed the Hell Spawn or in _my_ terms, _Fucking Bane of Existence Number Four_) called Ulquiorra his Dad. With a 'Dy'.

I mean, I can see the logic. In the impossible event that pigs can fly, Nnoitra's _not _a drag queen, Szayel can actually sing and _Ulquiorra and me getting together_, I ain't gonna be the fucking girl of the relationship. No, never, Aizen damn it just _no_.

Just when I thought Gin's on my side though, he just had to shoot down my surviving hopes. Brings a new meaning to _Trespassers will be Shot, Survivors will be Shot Again._

"Finally, someone gets it right!" he said through his annoying laughing, and both Ulqui and me snap our heads towards him.

"Get _what_ right?" I asked, holding up my fist. He must be stupid if he can't see the threat.

Oh, right, he _is _stupid. That, and an asshole through and through.

"Oh, the fact that Ulquiorra's the one wearing the pants in your relationship -" _**BAM **_"- jeez, touchy, aren't ya?" Gin whined, rubbing his sore head. I snorted, looked to the side.

"As if! I'mma drop him off as soon as I can 'cause I am not fucking babysittin' a kid!"

Said 'Kid' sniffed noticeably.

_La la la I can't hear you!_

"B-But, Mommy doesn't like me...?" he asked pitifully, looking up with those stupid, big, cute blue eyes. I didn't want to smack the hell out of him anymore; I wanted to freaking poke his eyes.

_Still not listening!_

"No, and that's final -"

Then he brandished his Ultimate Weapon - the tears. Oh god, the tears welling up in his eyes and the sniffles.

If anybody asked me later on why the fuck I decided not to bring him back home, I'm gonna show them the Kid Eye Beam of Getting Whatever He Wants and see how well _they _go against it. Everyone loses, man.

Even you, you, and definitely _you._

"... Fine," I said begrudgingly, shifting his weight. "But Ulqui's got to help out."

"What!?" Ulquiorra snapped his head up, eyes narrowing. "I am not going to be responsible for that spawn!"

"I don't give a fuck," I said brightly and airily, before grinning evilly. "You're saying you can't actually take care of a little kid, eh, Mr. I-Can-Do-Everything?"

He glared. Seriously, I can't help but tick him off. It's fucking funny. I actually have nothing against him other than he's all high and mighty in the Fourth spot and he's way too clean; it's just that it's hilarious when he tries to not scrunch up his face like that. His eyes go all screwy and you just feeling like pinching him on the cheeks.

"No." He turned away, scoffing. "That will not work on me."

_Damn!_

I didn't expect him to not rise up to the bait; so I did the next best thing.

"Daddy's leaving, kid. You don't want him to leave, riiiight?"

And I couldn't help stomping all over the little kid's heart when I said that. He looked positively downhearted.

"But but but - Daddy! You can't leave!"

He's not stopping. Shit, he's at the door! Shit, I gotta -

_Oh yeah!_

I ran towards him, pulling him around and holding up the kid against him.

He stared.

Remember, nobody can go up against the kid's Puppy Eyes. I'm pretty sure Ulqui's a no too.

Hell Spawn looked up at him and quivered his lips or some shit like that, a sign that he was about to wail. Again. "Daddy," he said solemnly and sadly, sniffing. "Don't leave me!"

Ulquiorra stared.

The kid clutched to him.

He stared some more. There was a showdown going on and I could see Ulquiorra's eyes twitching as he's trying not to give in. Hell Spawn sniffed some more.

"I love you," he sniffled.

_Hot damn_, and that's when Ulqui's resolve 'crumbled before my eyes', because he suddenly coughed, and turned to the side, clearing his throat.

"... I have no other choice. I will see to your challenge, Grimmjow."

_SCORE!_

The kid was still teary-eyed and I rolled my eyes. "It means he'll stay."

"Really?" He wiped off the look from his face in one split second and beaming brightly like the sun. I shielded my eyes. "Yay! We're a real family! I love you, Mommy and Daddy!"

I shoved this warm feeling aside there was this awkward, _looooong _pause. Damn. Gotta say something. There was gonna be some asshattery from my mouth before Gin broke the silence.

With a freaking 'D'aww'.

"D'awwwwwwwwww." Told you I wasn't kidding. "That's so cuuuuuuute," Gin cooed, he freaking _coo_ed, I can't believe that I used that word and Ulquiorra's left eye twitched. "You three are like togetherrrrrrrrr."

Then his eyes glinted, and he grinned maniacally, mocking evil villains by having 'mufufu' vibes.

"Perfect. I will have to tell everyone -"

Ulquiorra beat me to punch him.

"Daddy!" Hell Spawn squealed incredulously, frowning cutely. "Stop hitting Uncle! Uncle, you okay?" the Hell Spawn asked concernly, and the newly dubbed Uncle grinned wider than I've ever seen him grin, which was saying something.

Bad.

Very, very bad.

Bad a la _shite we argh awl goingz tu dai._

"You can call me Uncle Gin, little guy," he said, and I smacked his head lightly. "So what're you gonna name him?" Gin asked curiously, and both Ulqui and me stared at each other.

Well.

xoxox

Gin was already gone while Ulqui, Hell Spawn and me were all on the other side of the room. Hell Spawn was seated on a sofa, Ulqui on the other side while I'm crouching on the floor. Gin? Anywhere near while naming _my _kid? When hell freezes over, that's what.

"Since I'm the... Mom," I acknowledged embarassedly, as if it was some sort of horrible, horrible disease - (I mean, if you've been a guy all your life and fantasised about being a dad all this time, you can't say you're the mom with a straight face), "I get to name him -"

"Something respectable," Ulquiorra immediately butted in, frowning. "If he is to be a spawn under my care, I will not tolerate anything else."

"Something simple," I growled. I hated it when he cut me off. Ulquiorra glared.

"I'm taking care of him too. Since, rhethorically, _**I**_ am wearing the pants, I should be the one to name him."

_Damn you, Gin!_

"I got him first."

"He called me Daddy."

"Daddy!" Hell Spawn squealed, and both of us rolled our eyes.

"Whatever! I ust want to get this over with. Let's just go through some names and be done with it."

"Agreed," Ulquiorra said warily, watching the Hell Spawn alternate his facial expressions. Man, he can be my fucking mobile TV. "... Inocente," he recited, and I gave him a funny look.

"_Innocent. _Hah. Does the whole _bribing us with guilt-trips _any innocent to you?"

"You think up of a name then, Jagger_jerk._"

"Ulqui_bitch_. Er... Something simple..." I looked around. Truth be told, I had nothing in my head at the moment. One look at the place around me and I decided to be stupid. "Let's call him Nachos."

...

...

The _look _that he gave me was so fucking funny that I laughed hysterically.

"... That's your stomach talking, you imbecillic fool."

"Whatever." Then I grinned. "Let's call him Kid."

"No. Ophelius?"

"What the shit, Ulqui. Rocky?"

"Xeno?"

"Princess?"

"You must be drunk."

"I don't want to name my kid 'You Must Be Drunk'."

"Shut up, Grimmjow. Watari?"

"Sounds like an old man. Eff?"

"... Tell me that was the word 'eff' and not an effing name suggestion."

"Then I'm telling you nothing."

"You're hopeless." Ulquiorra suddenly blinked, and turned at the kid, frowning strangely. "... Helios," he said, and I snorted.

"The sun? Sure, man, he does smile that bright but he's more like a Hell kid instead of -" I paused, then grinned. "Hel."

Ulquiorra gave me a funny look.

"I said Helios and not _Hel, _unless you need hearing aid or a trip to the elderly."

"I can always give him a nickname!" I protested, shrugging. "Remember, _Daddy?_"

Ulqui looked like he wanted to smack me upside the head.

"Daddy. _Daddy. Dad dad dad -"_

_**SMACK**_

That answers a lot, doesn't it?

xoxox

I was clutching my head when Gin came in. He took one look at my pitiful state, before shrugging and grinning at Ulquiorra. _Traitor! _"So, have you named him?"

"Helios," Ulquiorra said firmly and surely, and I snorted.

"Hel."

"Helios!"

"Hel!"

"_Helios!"_

"_Hel!"_

"Heliohel!" Gin exclaimed brightly. Both of us quarreling 'parents' snapped our heads at him, growling.

"Shut the fuck up!"

"Uncle Gin, why are they fighting?" Hel asked in a small voice, before Gin grinned. I paused at the next insult, wary, and so did Ulquiorra.

"They love each other sooooo much, little Hel. But then again, there's this thing called 'sexual tension'."

_**WHAT THE FUCK!?**_

Okay, note to self, keep Gin away from your kid at _all times._

"What the shit, Gin! Shut the hell up! You go any further, I'mma bust a cap off your ass!"

"Don't you dare tell Helios about anything, or I will _castrate you_!"

Sadly, we were ignored. Biggest sob story of the year.

"What's that?" Hel asked innocently, blinking. Gin grinned, patting his head, before clearing his throat.

"Well, '_sexual tension' _is when two guys, like your Mom and Dad, isn't getting any -"

_**WHAM**_

And it was then when Ulqui and I both unanimosly called on for a truce for the moment, until we finished handing Gin's ass to him three times over.

xoxox

Dodging a few innocent questions about 'Sexual Tension' wasn't as easy as it looked like. Even Ulquiorra had to confuse Hel a little bit with his fancy schmancy words, and soon enough, Hel was already tired and was now sprawled all across the bed, asleep.

Insert some well placed 'D'awwww's here and there, and you've got the fucking cutest scene ever.

Ulquiorra 'gave his word' that he'll come back later, so I took out a notebook from my desk drawer and started to open it. It was empty, unused, and there was a pen.

I picked it up. The ink hovered over the paper.

So.

Boredom took its course.

I spelled out the first few words, grinning. This'll be a nice pet project.

xoxox

_Right, so anyway, this is the Espada Guide to Parenting since I'm an Espada, obviously. And also a parent. Fuck this. No fancy introductions for any of you fuckers because I am not in the mood to write long._

_So._

_Lesson number one is probably __**naming your kid**__._

_1. Keep silver-haired assholes away from the naming-session at all times._

_2. Random just doesn't work on uptight green-eyed bitches._

_3. Keep it simple. Fight for the right to nickname._

_4. And finally, makeshift a truce with your partner. Said partner might be an uptight green-eyed bitch, but bear with it since the Hell Spawn wouldn't want anyone else. You can't defeat the Puppy Eyes. You just can't. Everybody says they can, but they're fucking lying._

_Look at my kid, he's a perfect example of -_

_..._

_... Shit, I just called him __**my **__kid._

_..._

_..._

_Fuck._

_Signin' Out,_

_G_

_xoxox_

_End Chapter Two._

xoxox

xoxox

A/N: LOL GIN.

Kinda fitting that he decided to call his kid 'Hell' - I mean, Hel. :3

Have a nice day everyone! :D


	3. The Bare Necessities

**The Espada Guide to Parenting**

by Impervious Marr

xoxox

Summary: Life's good. War's over. Las Nachos - I mean Noches, is getting cleaner, Aizen's giving us all vacations, and - by the way, I have a kid stalker who thinks I'm his mom and Ulquiorra's his dad. LG, man, LG. GrimmUlqui.

Warnings: MxM, yaoi - GrimmUlqui sort. xD Pointless fluff thingythingy. Lots of cussin'. (It's Grimmjow.) FIRST PERSON POV. An OC who is _not_ in love with the main characters. (Gasp.) In fact, he's a little kid.

A/N: XD;

Well, thank you for all the encouraging reviews! 8D I love you guys!

_**Review Responses!**_

_Neotwiliteglow: _XD I know. Ulqui will always be a mom to me too. :0 Ahahaha Nachos. Well, I _was_ hungry at the time ;D And updated! Thank you!

_iluvbooksandanime: _XD Uncle Gin FTW! Thank you for the review!

_Crimsion-Child:_ Haha, thank you! xD;

_Hearii:_ Of course. :3 Gin pwns everybody else 8D Death Note! Well, there is another reference in here which is. Kinda obvious. x3; They also start to question 'why' in this chapter, but, um, they get sidetracked. o.o (I got sidetracked.) Let them be slow, I say! And thank you! :D

_demon ragdoll_: Yes. Yes he does. XD Thanks!

_fendstrat.chick: _xD Thank you!

_kisalamode:_ Updated! :D

_Chinksta_: Ahaha, thank you! :D

Read and review, please! I ope this chapter doesn't suck, as all everything before. Eh. :D

xoxox

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_3_

_Lesson Two_

_The Bare Necessities_

xoxox

There were some questions in life that had answers eluding both the great and the plain stupid. The meaning of life, for instance, or why there was one strand of hair always stubbornly hanging out in front of Aizen's face no matter how much he shoved it back.

They generally call these '_fucking mysteries_'.

The lump of Hel curled up on my bed and messing up the sheets? It's one of these so-called '_fucking mysteries_'.

"Why did he pick you as the female parental figure?" Ulquiorra asked beside me and I couldn't help but swing my hand around in surprise. Being the super-cool-awesome Fourth Espada he is, he stopped it just inches away from his annoying face. "Did I surprise you?"

"No," I said rudely, because I can be a liar and an asshole at the same time. "And shit, man, don't call me the 'female parental figure'."

"Fine then. Why did he pick you to be the 'Mommy' -"

"Do you not get the point!?" I asked, partly annoyed and mostly embarassed, throwing my hands up in the air. "I don't know! He just came to me suddenly, man! It's fucking creepy."

"You should stop that."

"What?"

"Those swear words." He glared at me pointedly. "If Helios comes up to me and says 'I'mma bust a cap off yo ass, bitch', I will not hesitate to wash _your _mouth out with detergent, leave it to dry out in the sands and wash it _again_, this time using bleach."

I only stared. Seriously, when Ulquiorra says it, even the lamest threats can actually seem threatening. That, and the fact that Ulquiorra saying 'bust a cap off yer ass' was the equivalent of a grandma saying 'yo wassup me homies'.

I back off slightly, before looking at Hel, frowning. "He's got a name, his stuffed toy, two parents - I can't really think of anything else."

"You _don't _think," Ulquiorra agreed without any reservations, dodging the punch I threw. "The bare necessities - clothes?"

"Clothes," I repeated flatly, looking at Hel, and back at Ulquiorra.

Cue the pure evil grin.

xoxox

Gin and I conspired.

"No."

"But you said it yourself, he _needs _clothes. That's why you have to go down to the Human World to _get some. _Get it?" Gin asked slowly as if he was a problem student, and Ulquiorra was absolutely hilarious when he reacts to insults about his intelligence. So he's smart; but it doesn't mean he's not oblivious. "Ulquiorra, are you still with us?"

I just laughed my fucking ass off. He turned to me with a snarl.

"You're the Mom. You go," Ulquiorra said firmly, narrowing his eyes. "I am not putting myself into a _gigai!_"

"But it's a nice gig-thing!" Gin said as brightly as he could. The shine blinded me for a moment, and so did his vocabulary. _Gig-thing. _Oh my god. Even Yammy wasn't that... Okay, well, he was, but Gin was _Gin._

"No."

"But -"

"No. And that's final."

"But Daddy!"

Oh, the (Hel)bringer of all destruction - comes my Bane of Existence number Four - Helios, or more affectionally known as _Hel._ He ran from one side of the room to the other, hugging Ulquiorra.

Hel. Hell. Get it?

Seriously though, I can see the '_doomed'_ stamped neatly across Ulquiorra's face.

_VICTORY FOR GRIMMJOW._

"You don't wanna come shopping with Mommy?" he asked pitifully, before sniffing. "But Mommy will be lonely. He'll have nobody. And I want Daddy to come. Please? Please?" Cue the Puppy Eyes. "_Pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasseeee_..."

"No," Ulquiorra said, but it wasn't as firm as before. I mean, you can practically see the guy torn, man.

Maybe I should use Hel against Aizen. Who knows, maybe even _Gawd_ can't stand up to Hel's begging skills. I can probably get whatever I want except his underpants. "Come on, _Ulqui,_" I said mockingly sad, looking to the side, pretending that I was hurt. Man, I should be an actor or something. "This is _breaking my heart._"

Plain sarcasm to the max, but maybe it's an inherent ability in every kid out there to completely ignore it. Hel increased his whining. Ulquiorra, on the other hand, gave me a freezing, silent look of '_diebitchdie_'.

"SEE! You _have _to go, Daddy! Look at Mommy; he's gonna cry!"

Yeah, if you could call laughing my ass off silently (it takes skill, man, _skill_) and dodging death glares a sign that you're gonna burst into a puddle of emo. Whatever it was, Ulquiorra merely seethed and stomped away.

"Fine. _Fine._"

Helios's grin was just like the fucking sun.

"YAY!"

xoxox

It'll probably look weird if we went down with our Espada clothes. Yeesh, can you believe it? Just to buy clothes you have to be properly dressed, too. Stupid human codes. Ulquiorra wasn't much help either - he was just like a kid himself.

Get this. He took one look at some trousers (mine, I had to lend it off) and walked away, stating that he had no need for human clothes. I had to wrestle him back into the room, and it wasn't the best thing in the world to get a Sixth to _wrestle a Fourth into a room._ Dude, other than sounding wrong, it just ain't right.

For one thing, he's stronger than me (_even though I'll drag myself from the pits of hell not to admit that_). Getting him inside almost tore off my arms.

"You - have - to - wear them!" I shouted, going inside. Ulquiorra went for the _outside._

"I - am - not!"

"Fuck this shit, man, you're coming in with me!"

"Stop fighting!" Hel shouted from the background, sniffing pathetically. It must be something engrained to a kid to immediately take the Mom's side. Hell, I wasn't gonna complain. "Daddy, do as Mommy says!"

"Yeah, _Dad, _so as Mommy says, _DAD._"

Everytime the _Dad _came out, I knew his eye was twitching.

"You are really liking the role of a mother, aren't you, Jeagerjacques?" Ulquiorra asked sardonically, trying for a comeback - and I snorted, using that pause to finally push him inside the room, pinning him neatly against the wall and leering.

"If you think that's gonna work on me, think again. Now get inside those stupid pants before I have to strip you down myself and -"

"Ahh!! Think of the children, think of the _children_!" Gin wailed in the background, putting hands over Hel's ears. "If you really want to do foreplay, at least start when Hel is actually _out _of the room -"

_**"GIN!"**_ Ulqui and me shouted before he could go any further.

...

Shit, we're acting like real parents.

_Oh whatever, I give up._

...

...

"What's foreplay?" Hel chirped, and both of us punched Gin. "Nuu, Uncle Gin!"

At least Ulqui finally relented, if just to keep Gin away from his 'spawn', because we didn't want to spend any more time dodging more questions about Gin's sex talk. Like what the fuck, man.

So we said our goodbyes and _finally _went down to the Human World, and I was the one who dragged everybody to the department store because apparently I'm the only one who knows my way around this place. Ulqui didn't come to associate with trash often, and Hel was just... Hel. He was gurgling on Ulquiorra's back after pestering the dude for a piggy back ride.

So.

Anyway.

Department store?

It was Hell. (No pun intended.)

xoxox

There were no salesmen, just sales_girls._

The music in the background was _Seasons in the Sun -_

"Are boys supposed to wear frilly dresses, Grimmjow?" Ulquiorra asked with a frown on his face, holding up a lacey, puffy dress.

"Er. No. This is the girls section."

- and we couldn't find the guy section of the kid's clothing.

I took it with stride anyway, with Ulqui by my side (seriously, dude, crank up _'Stand By Me' _and it'll be just perfect), by looking at the directory and _finally _we found it. Pretty large section, but dwarfed by the multitude of girl clothes, so it was practically hidden.

"So - pants, shirt, underwear, some shoes. I guess that's the basics. Oh, and socks," I added absently, ticking off some checklist in my head. Ulqui blinked.

"Socks?"

"It gets pretty cold in Las Nachos, man."

Ulquiorra gave me a funny look.

"And you go around with an open shirt because...?"

"To look hot. But anyway, it's only cold during night time."

"If you haven't noticed, Grimmjow, it's always night there," he said dryly.

"Okay, fine, the night during the night. Seriously fucking cold. That's why I have three comforters instead of one."

"You curl up in them at night like a cat, don't you?"

"What the - how in the _hell_ did you know that!?"

Ulquiorra smirked.

"Watched you sleep yesterday with Helios. By the way, that little diary was a bit unexpected. 'Espada's Guide to Parenting'?"

I snorted. Figures that he'll be a freaking stalker too. "It's not a freaking _diary._ It's a _journal. _By the way, it's Hel. And besides, maybe we'll need it someday. Make millions by making it a bestseller. And who knows, maybe Nnoitra and Stark's gonna have a kid together and they'll need the manual -"

Nnoitra and Stark.

Nnoitra and Stark.

_Nnoitra_ and _Stark_.

_We had JOY_

_We had FUN_

_We had SEASONS_

_In the SUN_

The mental image was too hard to stand, and I know Ulqui's imagining the same thing.

"... Do please change the subject," he said painfully, voice straining.

"... Will do. As I was saying - stupid song, by the way - don't do that. Just don't."

"Don't do what?"

"Saying 'watched you sleep yesterday' like everything's all right in the world. You can't just do that man, talking about going beyond the degree of pure _freaky._ How would _you _like it if I watched _you sleep?_"

Ulquiorra stared, face impassive.

"That is improbable. There is only a five percent chance you will stumble into my room as I'm sleeping and a one percent chance that you will actually sit down and _watch me sleep._"

"Again with the percentage crap! I thought we were over that!" I said, throwing up my hands in the air. There was this one point in time, long ago, that Ulquiorra had this annoying habit of stating everything by percentages. All to _annoy _me. He picked it up from some character in a manga. Point is, eventually even Aizen personally asked me to ask Ulquiorra to shut up, and I had NO CHOICE. I repeat, NO CHOICE, but to, er, say 'please'.

I didn't want to get flayed, man!

"You sound just like L from Death -"

"Note that it is recommended that you try on the garments first before purchasing them! Thank you and have a nice day!"

A salesgirl smiled cheerfully at a customer.

Well.

When you can't beat them...

"Maybe I'll get her to do the shopping for us," I said, and Ulquiorra shifted Hel's weight on his back. The poor kid fell asleep when we were talking about Nnoitra and -

Hold up, okay, not going in _that _direction thank you _very much._

"Hey, excuse me," I hollered, waving up a hand. The salesgirl looked up, curious.

"Yes - oh. My. God," she gasped, and that was when Hel just woke up.

He rubbed the sleep from his eyes, and I couldn't help but ruffle his hair. I don't know, it was an extreme urge. He smiled when I did so, and I shoved the warm feeling that I got in a little mental box called 'I Did Not Feel That'.

"Mommy?" He yawned again, and hugged Ulquiorra from behind. "Daddyyyy. Where are we?"

The salesgirl from earlier gasped again, and I was _about _to ask before she _flew_ towards Hel, squealing.

"Oh my goddd, he's sooo cute!" the salesgirl squealed, pinching Hel's cheeks as if he was the most adorable thing she has ever seen. Her colleagues came not soon after and my face hurt from smiling and talking nice and _being friendly._

_We had JOY_

_We had FUN_

_We had SEASONS_

_In the SUN_

Yes, a Friendly Grimmjow is a Pissed Off Grimmjow. Pissed Off Grimmjow (POG) coupled with strange Szayel-worthy background music equals E-Pog (no, the 'e' doesn't stand for _Electronic_, it's for _Extremely_).

Joy, fun, seasons, sun.

Joy, fun, seasons, sun.

I should sue the management for getting this annoying song stuck in my head. It's a potential cause for insanity.

Finally I scowled, shooing them off. "Get your own," I snapped, not in the mood for being Your Sunshine today. The girls blinked. Then they squealed again, this time with hearts in their eyes.

Okay, seriously, now that's. Just. _Freaky._ Now I remember why I never bothered coming down to the world in a gigai.

"Ohemg!" I think that was supposed to be some variation of 'Oh My God', but then again, maybe the poor girl's having a seizure. Can't be too sure; I can't recognize the difference between Fangirling and Hyperventilating Fish Out Water. It was like a competition to see who could perfect the artform of Being Retard. "Is this your kid? Omheg! Omemehg!"

... _Omemewhat the fuckery?_

I backed away.

"Yes?" I said uncertainly, and they screamed in - hell, I don't _know,_ why don't _you_ come over here and tell me if they're screaming over pain or fangirling. Shit, this is fucking terrifying me.

Same went for Ulqui. I mean, he might be impassive and all, but I can read him and he's not exactly putting this whole situation in the list of his Happiest Days of My Life. Plus, he's carrying Hel, so it can't really help with today's ratings.

Oh, fuck, _no,_ I am not a stalker. I read him because, you know. Main rival and all. Yeah.

Lemme just trip over my words for a moment and get back to you in a sec or ten.

"I so totally want a kid like him!"

"Like, totally!"

"Daddy!" Hel squealed, and they 'D'Awwww'ed in succession, each, before Hel patted at Ulqui's head. Then he pointed at me.

_Shit no!_

"Shit no!"

"Mommy!" he chirped, before repeating the actions and saying 'I love youu' every few seconds.

The girls stared.

Ulqui and I stared back.

_We had JOY_

_We had FUN_

_We had SEASONS_

_In the -_

"Fuck that shit!" I screamed, taking an infant bottle thing and throwing it at the speaker. _**BOOM.**_ It was a bullseye - immediately broke it down, at that, and I felt a sense of victory.

Before I realized we were in public. And the passerbys ushered their staring kids away. _("Don't look at the madman, son." "Daddy, I'm scared!")_The girls, on the other hand, looked up to me blankly, before adoration seeped into their eyes -

Wait, wait, wait, hold up and rewind that. _Adoration? _At the violence!?

...

Okay, it's official, Human World is fucked up, it's all in the headlines _run awaaaaaaay!_

"Finally, someone does something about those crappy songs!" one girl said, looking up to me with _more_ adoration or some shit like that. I cocked an eyebrow. Ulqui did the same and they squealed. "Aww, you're so _cute _together! Anyway, you're looking for clothes for your kid, right!"

"Er. Yeah."

"And you're the Daddy? Funny, I thought you'll be the uke, but whatever works I guess," another girl said nonchalantly towards Ulquiorra, and I twitched.

_Uke? 'Pitcher'?_

_... Eh?_

"But that's okay! Since just now you looked kinda lost, and I was about to ask before I saw this little cute thing here." The first girl from before cooed at Hel and he smiled brightly, slapping her hands away. _Now that's my kid. Be an asshole, Hel!_ "Okay, girls, line up! We're gonna help these two guys shop!"

"Woo hoo!"

"Yaaay; another game!"

Right.

Oookay.

Human World Theory of Crazy has Gone Up A Notch; But Not Necessarily Bad Crazy.

Yep, perfect headline for a beautiful day. But the speaker which broke down didn't die fully.

_We had JOY_

_We had FUN -_

I did the honors of 'dismantling' it (_yanking it out from the wall) _and Ulqui proceeded to 'silence' it (_stomping it down to an inch of its life)._ We just went to the side as the girls ushered Hel into a flurry of clothing, trying on every single thing on him and cooing every few minutes - no, seconds. I didn't do anything since Hel enjoyed the attention.

"Well... I... Got her to shop for us?" I ended, shrugging.

Ulquiorra sighed.

"I suppose." He paused, trying to find the words. "I think we're getting attached to Hel."

"Helios," I corrected automatically, and blinked.

Both of us immediately looked to the side, coughing and clearing our throats. I felt my cheeks burn. Seriously, what the hell, I'm supposed to be calling him Hel while he's supposed to call Hel _Helios._

What the shit is wrong with me!

_The agony, huh?_

_STFU, self!_

_Bahahaha! I think you like him!_

_I don't like Ulqui, even more not in that WAY!_

_... Who said anything about Ulquiorra? My, my, Grimmjow!_

_AGH!_

xoxox

On second thought, they took too _fucking long._

After having to hold the first hundred clothing _sets _and getting lunch for Hel AND getting some more stuff the girls asked us, the 'parents', to get - for I don't know how many hours - we finally got back to Las Nachos (I'm never gonna go back to Noches, am I?), into my room, collapsing into my bed full with comforters. The million or so shopping bags were put to the side, and both of us groaned loudly.

Well, maybe me. Ulquiorra did a sort of wince-face, and my brain was too fuzzy to register that his face was on my shoulder.

Hel, on the other hand, just slept like a dead log, with a smile on his face. Yeah, he must be enjoying this. He was sandwiched between two of us. Too tired to do anything, really, and definitely too tired to care, I just reached up for the light and shut it off.

"Grimmjow, I need to go back to my room," Ulquiorra whispered, and I 'hnn'ed.

"So go."

"Grimmjow, I need the light. I can't see anything."

"Well too fuckin' bad, 'cause I ain't moving," I countered, throwing a hand over my little fucked up 'family'. "Too comfortable. 'Night."

I could _hear _Ulqui's eyes rolling.

Speaking about rolling, my thoughts rolled, rolled, rolled some _more, _before it finally stopped on one thing I've been meaning to ask Hel for a while now.

Why the _fuck _does he think _I'm _his _Mom_ and _Ulqui_'s his _Dad_?

...

...

...

Ugh.

Shit, too tired. Will think later.

Sleepy sleepy sleep.

xoxox

Gin went inside and flipped on the light switch, before 'Awww'ing silently. Grimmjow and Ulquiorra and Hel were all cuddling - Ulqui's head on Grimmjow's shoulder, the blue-haired Espada's arm over everyone; Hel smiling in between them, sprawling. All were asleep.

He was debating whether or not to use this as blackmail. He didn't have to debate for long.

Soon enough, he had a camera in his hands.

_Bwahahahahaha, blackmail for the win hands down! You scored big time, G Man!_

Gin, unfortunately, will always be Gin.

_xoxox_

_End Chapter Three._

xoxox

xoxox

A/N: ... Gin just amuses me. He's my favorite character in this story XD;

Yay, clothes! Er... What comes next? o.o

To be honest, I seriously have nothing against Seasons in the Sun. XD;

Have a nice day everyone! :D


	4. Building Up Trust With Your Partner

**The Espada Guide to Parenting**

by Impervious Marr

xoxox

Summary: Life's good. War's over. Las Nachos - I mean Noches, is getting cleaner, Aizen's giving us all vacations, and - by the way, I have a kid stalker who thinks I'm his mom and Ulquiorra's his dad. LG, man, LG. GrimmUlqui.

Warnings: MxM, yaoi - GrimmUlqui sort. xD Pointless fluff thingythingy. Lots of cussin'. (It's Grimmjow.) FIRST PERSON POV. An OC who is _not_ in love with the main characters. (Gasp.) In fact, he's a little kid.

A/N: HELLO. :D I decided to cancel out my updating schedule and update this first.

_**Review Responses!**_

_Favrite of Chaos: _For the record, I haven't actually met those creepy salesgirls before. XD; Oohh, revenge? :3

_iluvbooksandanime: _Gin just wins, hands down. He's like the dude pulling the strings (other than Aizen, but he's funny at it.) 8D Thank you for reviewing!

_Ks:_ Lol, thank you for the review! 8D

_Hearii:_ x3 Omg, yuss, very much so. Ulquiorra... Has always been L to me. xD Woot! Thank you, for um, becoming attached! 8D And reviewing!

_demon ragdoll_: Not in this chapter, unfortunately, that blackmail. But it has a purpose. :3

_fendstrat.chick: _xD Lol, Ulqui's the Mom to me too and Grimmy's the Dad. But I mixed them up for humor purposes. 8D And it's always funny seeing both of them bitch about it. 8D Thank you!

_kisalamode:_ Updated! :D Again. :3

_Meng-4-2_: x3 It's in Grimmy's POV, after all! I LOVE GIN. :D He is the Hawt.

_Nehh Loves You_: Lol, I remember the days when I used to stay up all night just for my favorite fic. xDD And not waking up my parents. :D Thank you for reviewing!

_Moony_: I try my best in trying to be in Character. But sometimes I gotta let loose. 8D I like writing Grimmjow. He's fun. And Hel will meet the Family Members soon x3

_Sandshadow_: XDDD ICHIGO! Woot! That would be a riot. xD

_shiki-chou_: :D Thank you! And for reviewing!

_BandGeeK24_: Wanna know a secret? I don't actually watch Bleach or read it. XD; I go with spoilers because I'm too lazy.

_Lucius_: :0 I hope this will be adequate enough! 8D Enjoy, please.

I just winged it for this chapter. Seriously... I have no fucking idea what the fuck this is. D: I had no idea what to write, so I decided to hell with it. It's actually the second version of this original Chapter Four that never worked because... Idk.

Oh well.

Read and review, please! :D

xoxox

xoxox

_4_

_Lesson Intermission I_

_Building Trust With Your Partner_

xoxox

_Wow._

This feels nice.

I never knew my bed was _this _comfortable.

It's like being surrounded by softness and it's never gonna let you go. It even felt like there was someone pressed up to you what with the amount of heat close to body temperature. Not being a pervert like Szayel or anything, but hot damn.

_Shit, this feels nice._

_The right word for it is cuddling, you idiot._

_... Fuck._

(Yes, ladies and gentlemen, other than being a Sore Winner, our Specimen here loves being Cuddled.)

(Shut the fuck up!)

So anyway. I opened my eyes, and it was kind of dark, so I couldn't really see well with the sleep in my eyes and some other metaphorical shit like that.

I tried to turn, but I couldn't move.

... Right.

I tried again, and the something _on top of me _grumbled very, um, life-like, and started to even out its breathing.

_Oh my god._

...

Breathing.

My thoughts blanked out as I asked for some convenient help.

_Um, self._

_Yes, my oh-so-great owner of our body?_

_... What happened yesterday? _I asked very politely.

_Ah._

I twitched.

_... Ah?_

_Ah. Yep. Let me look through your memories. Hmm, hmm. Well, according to this file - you decided to be an asshole yesterday! _My mind replied cheerfully, and I shuddered.

For some unknown, horrifying reason, my Inner Voice sounded like

OMG GIN.

But like hell that's gonna stop me from being Bitchy.

_You better tell me what the fucking shit happened, you bitch -_

_**BLING! BLINBLING!**_

"Agh!"

I hissed when the light was switched on, fucking blinding me, before a weight jumped up and down on the bed and playing _This Little Piggy_ with my fucking toes. Ow ow ow ow _ow!_

"Daddy mommy daddy mommom_mom!_"

And this little piggy went 'WEE!' all the way HomeOW!

"Shit - Hel -"

... Oh fucking Hel.

And I was content to think that the whole thing was a nightmare.

"Hel, stop it," I grunted, because I seriously couldn't get farther than a grunt. Just what the fuck is on _top _of me!? I grunted and shifted and _pushed and _god_damn _it, "Get the fucking hell off -"

"_Merrrgh."_

I froze, and looked down.

Ulquiorra scowled severely, hair in a disarray (and man, his hair looked so fucking soft) while he stared furiously, tightening the grip around my -

Arms.

Oh.

He was -

Oh.

...

...

...

"_Get the fuck off_!" I screeched instinctively, pushing and pushing and not getting away fast enough because Ulquiorra suddenly snarled and pushed me down on the bed, looming over. His eyes were muddled with sleep and I felt like I didn't know whether to laugh my fucking ass off or cry my fucking ass off because he looked _Beyond Pissed._

Now, let's have a General Knowledge Lesson before we get back to that.

Ulquiorra, has low blood pressure. (Which was totally bull shit because we ain't got anatomical problems like fucking humans, but I'm using this as a basis for the story anyway.)

See, low blood pressure people hate waking up. This is a fact unconfirmed by scientists but widely believed to be true by every fucking Shittygami, Wizards (_It's Vizards, I can hear my mind shouting, but I don't really give a fucking damn)_, Arrancars, Holeys - I mean, Hollows, Humans below and even _Gawd_.

There's a simple equation to simplify everything.

Ulquiorra Low Blood Pressure Demon Waking Up BAD.

Like, mega bad.

Like, look up in the dictionary and his _face_ is plastered all over the definition of BAD.

Like, bad enough to make me want to rather die in a hole slowly than face this monstrous bitch called Ulqui's Angur.

"Hello, _Grimmjow._ Isn't it a _very. Nice. Day today," _he said, emphasising on every single word with a widening Grin of Utter Doom. I grinned back hesitantly, before it died at the face of Ulqui's unwavering Killing Intent. "I know _some _people have a knack for _shouting out loud _in the fucking _morning. Amirite_?"

_Amirite_? Wtf - oh. _OH._

"Yes. Yes it is," I replied hastily_,_ voice going steadily higher and higher in pitch. "Don't worry, I'll just stay - here. Right here. I'll keep quiet."

_Ohmygoddon'tkillme, I don't want to die without knowing why Aizen has one strand always at the front of his face!_

He just smirked, and cracked his knuckles.

_... Fuck._

Goodbye, cruel world. Goodbye Hel, and maybe it's the time for me to write a will.

Okay.

Um, my favorite pillow can go to Aizen-Gawd. That shitty pile of CDs filled with the Sappiest Love Songs ever _ever _can go to Gin (sacked it from Nnoitra's room and still can't find a good use for it), and I can give these glasses I got to Tousen.

Oh wait.

He's blind.

... Maybe he can get that walking stick. Tousen doesn't have one, right?

_You're a disgrace to the Grimmjow Jeagerjacques name..._

_You aren't exactly helping out in getting us from being killed either!_

_... Touche._

Ulquiorra's grin widened when he started the torture.

_**BITCH-SLAP!**_

_**POWPOWPOW POWPOWPOWPOWPOW**_

"TAKE _**THAT**_, YOU OF A AND I'LL TEACH YOU HOW TO TRY TO WAKE ME UP IN THE BLOODY MORNING!"

"OW, SHIT -" I made a Kwik Escape, rolling myself to the side and stumbling towards the door, running for my life.

"_Get back in here_!" Ulquiorra roared, pouncing on me and rolling both of us down on the bed. I landed on my back while he sprawled on top of me every which way, a 'whoosh' leaving our lips as we tangled in a, ahem, compromising position.

Shit shit shit shit, my face hurt everywhere and there were bruises and fuck, our faces were _thisclose._

Shit.

Um.

Please, the being up there of holy goodness, I know I've done a lot of Sins in my Life, but if _Gin _gets through that door and sees this, Bad Things are going to happen.

Amen.

But Fate's known to be a bitch.

The door slammed open, and came trodding in the Silver-Haired Devil.

_The being up there of holy goodness?_

_I fucking hate you._

"Good morning my fellow comrades!" I just gave him a look that said _Bull. Shit. _Gin didn't notice at all; hisnatural smiling face was on and kickin' good - which I would just_ love _to stick a fist in if it wasn't for this _UlquioRock_ that was on top of me. "I see that it is a _beautiful morning today _and I would like for you to -"

It turned into a leer when he noticed that we were, in what some might say - a position that spelled out 'Make Out Session'.

"Oh _hell-o."_

Oh _hell_.

"Gin. Shut. Up."

The asshole ignored me.

"What do we have _here._..?" Gin swept through the room gracefully like a prowling cat, grinning just getting wider and wider and wider. "My, my, Grimmjow - how shameless!"

"Shut the fuck up, Gin!"

"Wuh, wuh -"

He suddenly gasped, spotting Hel, who was staring blankly at us, making the weird 'wuh' sounds. "You did it in front of little Hel? What blasphemy! The wrongness! A breach of rights! _How could you!?" _he wailed, as if in mourning.

Both of us looked decidedly uncomfortable. For once, even though I hated to admit it, Gin was, _ugh_, he was right -

"Why didn't you invite me earlier!?" he whined.

- holyfuckingshit _**no.**_

"I would've given Hel pointers to scoring big when he grows up - ow, lawl," Gin laughed, when Ulquiorra _Sonido-ed _and punched him promptly across the face. I joined in much later, kicking Gin to oblivion.

"Like - hell - you're - going - to - teach - Hel - anything!" Both of us barked, eyes blazing. Gin on the other hand, had this seriously fucking annoying 'LOL I PWN' expression stamped across his face.

We punched him again, before Ulquiorra was the first one to come to Hel and scoop him up into his arms. "Helios?"

He snapped out of it, before he sniffed.

"That... Was..."

_Here comes the Guilt Train. Aw, fuck._

_"So cool!"_ He cheered loudly, beaming_, _and both of us stared.

Wait.

Hold up.

The blatant disregard for Gin? And the whole fighting and the sniffing was a -

... What?

_Oh my god, he's growing up to be a true asshole._

I couldn't help but feel a sense of pride swell up in me, and I ruffled his hair, grinning. Ulquiorra cuddled him close to his chest and I couldn't help but see the resemblance. I blinked. The only missing thing was the tear-tracks and the green eyes - replaced by blue.

Which kinda reminded me of someone.

Um.

Very close.

Somewhere...

_How about __**yourself, **__moron?_

_Oh yeah - holyfuckingshit._

What if... What if - he was actually _my kid? With Ulquiorra!?_

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH FUCKING SENSE THAT WILL MAKE? AND HOW IT HURTS TO ABUSE THE CAPS LOCK?

Ohmygodohmygod oh my _goddd._

"What is it?" Ulqui asked, and I blinked. Huh?

_You said it out loud._

"Nothing," I replied casually, clearing my throat, before my stomach grumbled.

Then Ulqui's.

Then Hel, all in succession.

All of us stared at each other.

"... Breakfast?" Ulqui suggested, and all of us shrugged, leaving my room where Gin laid on the floor, spiral-eyed and dizzy from the shitload of kicks.

xoxox

We raided the kitchens. Aizen built a private one for the Espadas and their Fraccion, so we didn't really have to worry about anyone other than the other Espada stumbling upon Hel.

... Somehow, that just makes it worse. Gin's already a riot, can you imagine the whole fucking Espada band finding out?

"It's breakfast, so something light," Ulquiorra said firmly, and I rolled my eyes.

"Okay_, Dad. _Go help find something I can use. Yo, Hel, got anything in mind?"

"Peanut butter sandwich!" He cheered, and I could help but grin. He was just so fucking adorable I wanted to beat the shit out of him and cuddle him to oblivion at the same time.

The first cupboard's doors swung open, and behold, the glorious Peanut Butter jars were there.

...

How awfully convenient.

Well, I'm not complaining. Shrugging, I took it out both the Chunky and the Smooth - "Well, we just need the bread;" and blinked when Ulqui held it up in front of my eyes.

Um.

Okay.

How _strangely _convenient.

"Here you go," he said silently, and I shrugged, going off to prepare Hel's breakfast for the day. Later on I'll have to think about what he needs for lunch, then dinner - and the next day, I'm pretty sure he doesn't want PB again. Maybe pancakes would be -

Wait.

Why the fuck was I thinking about making him _food?_

_Oh my god. Maybe I __**am **__supposed to be the mother -_

_I thought we were supposed to be against that? _My mind supplied dryly, and I smacked myself.

_... Damn. Okay, Dad Mentality. Dad Mentality._

_Er, Dad Mentality after I give Hel the breakfast._

Grumbling, I threw the butter knife aside and placed the sandwiches in front of Hel, complete with the customary plate and the orange juice beside. He took one look at them before happily chowing it down. I just took an energy bar and promptly started eating it, looking at Hel sitting opposite my place.

Gin came in a few minutes later with soup and sat himself beside the happy little kid, but Ulquiorra kicked him aside in order to avoid any Unwanted Happenings. He sat in between the two and started drinking his morning tea.

"... A plus soul? A human? A Shinigami brat? What _are _you, little Hel?" Gin asked, and Hel gave him a funny look, while Ulquiorra smacked the back of his head. "That hurt."

"Subtle, much?" I interjected sarcastically, filling in for Ulquiorra's silence, chewing on another energy bar, while Hel pouted outrageously. "It's kind of obvious he's not a plus soul since he needs food."

"On humans, I know Strawberry-kun had special powers!" Gin said cheerfully, and if he didn't act dumb, I think we can all get along with him pretty well.

But as it is, Gin loved to annoy us to near-death.

"But his Dad was a freakin' Shittygami."

"Think about it - he could gain the ability to see souls because of exposure to too much _reiatsu._"

"No no no!" Hel shook his head at us, before taking a cheerful bite at his sandwich. "I'm an Arrancar!"

"URK!"

The breakfast got stuck in my throat.

Gin sputtered on his soup.

Ulquiorra choked on his morning tea.

I heaved, hitting my chest repeatedly while Gin whined about his lost soup. _("Hey, my soup!") _Um, possibly dying here, can't you _do _something about it?! Ulqui did the next best thing - he threw on some tea on my face.

_**BSSHHH**_

_Holyfuckingbarbequesauce!?_

"AHH!" Well, it wasn't an 'ahh' more like it was a repeated choking sound of pain at the scalding heat of his stupid tea.

"Just stay still," he growled calmly, and shoved some of the hot stuff down my throat. I swallowed and soon enough the piece of energy bar went down.

I heaved. Then glared.

"You fucking threw tea on my face!"

Ulquiorra scoffed. "You wouldn't stay still. I missed."

"How can you fucking miss trying to get a guy to drink your fucking tea?" I deadpanned, giving him a _look._ He gave me _The Look _and my pitiful _look _died under the force of his _Look._

Maybe it was because his had a capital letter while mine didn't.

"Whatever," I gave up, grumbling. Then I looked back at Hel, who was giggling.

_Then _I remembered why I choked in the first place.

"_Holyfuckingshit!"_

"Wow, how fitting," Gin commented cheerfully, and both of us glared at him.

"We still have no proof that he is what he says it is," Ulquiorra said firmly, refusing to believe it. I mean, seriously, who would? "Maybe he learnt the word from somewhere and -"

"ACHOO -" _**BOOM.**_

The floor sizzled as all of us stared at the floor where Hel's finger pointed at instinctively, looking at the large charred mark.

It was the burn mark of a _cero._

Ulquiorra, of course, was the first one to recover. Prim and proper bastard. I just gawked, while Gin cheered in the background, congratulating Hel on the very nice target. He positively beamed.

"... Helios, do you know what that was?"

Hel gave us a funny look. "Of course I do! It's a cero-cero! I can't control it very well and when I sneeze I do it." He huffed. "Now stop asking me weird questions, Daddy!"

Now if that wasn't an indicator, I didn't know what was.

"... _Holyfuckingshit _our son's an _Arrancar!_"

xoxox

"Wanna go see Aizen?"

Ulquiorra and I both glared at Gin with a withering force.

"No."

"But he can help!" Gin whined.

"Which brings us helpfully to the next point - no."

"Why the fuck would he be able to help, anyway?"

"He'll answer all your questions about Hel?" Gin suggested, then I snorted.

"Eh, I doubt it -"

"Well! He's - um - he's the Absolute Sexy!" Gin insisted, grinning massively.

We stared at him with a 'Are You This Stupid?' look.

"Um. Definitely a 'no'..." I muttered, scooping up Hel into my arms, ignoring Gin's incredulous rants in the background about 'You Don't Think Aizen's Hawt Stuff!? HE IS! HE -'

Right, tuning him out now.

Ulquiorra looked solemn for some reason, and I cocked my eyebrow.

"... I want to hold Helios this time."

_Like hell you will._

"You got him yesterday; it's my turn now."

"But I want."

"But it's my turn!"

"But..." Ulquiorra paused, and I grinned in my victory before Ulquiorra continued. "... I want."

I facepalmed.

"No. Okay, Ulqui - just, no." I dodged Ulquiorra's hands. "I said no!"

"Gimme!"

Hel squealed in the air.

"I said no, and NO means N fucking O NO."

"Oh noes!" Gin interjected and I couldn't help but flip a shit at that.

"There's the concept of sharing," Ulqui countered, and I rolled my eyes.

"Both of us are selfish bastards, so boo hoo."

Gin smirked. "You two looked mighty comfortable sharin' a bed yesterday. Yep, mighty comfortable all right..." He dodged the punch I threw at him this time, and he absolutely beamed at something - someone - behind us. "Aizen-sama!"

"Gin," The new Gawd greeted calmly, before smiling at us. "My children. What are you up to -"

He paused noticably, staring at Hel, who blinked up at the King of Las Nachos before chirping.

"Hi Uncle!"

_Oh._

_Well._

_..._

_..._

_We had JOY, we had FUN, we had SEASONS in the SUN -_

_For the fucking last time, __**STFU**__!_

_xoxox_

_End Chapter Four._

xoxox

xoxox

A/N: ... Meeting the family is probably next and probably Ulqui willl bitch to Grimmjow about good nutrition. D:

STFU - shut the fuck up

and etc, etc. 8D Gin will use the blackmail... LATER. mwahahaha.

Have a nice day everyone! :D


	5. Meeting The Family

**The Espada Guide to Parenting**

by Impervious Marr

xoxox

Summary: Life's good. War's over. Las Nachos - I mean Noches, is getting cleaner, Aizen's giving us all vacations, and - by the way, I have a kid stalker who thinks I'm his mom and Ulquiorra's his dad. LG, man, LG. GrimmUlqui.

Warnings: MxM, yaoi - GrimmUlqui sort. xD Pointless fluff thingythingy. Lots of cussin'. (It's Grimmjow.) FIRST PERSON POV. An OC who is _not_ in love with the main characters. (Gasp.) In fact, he's a little kid.

A/N: HELLO AGAIN.

_**Review Responses!**_

_Teslyn: _XD -throws love- :D

_Shissuru Urufu: _Well, it depends really... I guess the whole crackiness of the fic will be seeping into my brain, and things are not going to end well. D:

_Miastic:_ Lol, thank you for the review! 8D

_Hearii:_ Probably has the hole somewhere unnoticable. :D I'm working on that, still. Maybe on his head? That'll be a riot. And, nahh, Aizen is very... Accepting? XD

_demon ragdoll_: Shh! He's the silent manipulator at work! :D Well, I dunno. I still have to work around that. It was decided that he was an Arrancar... On a spur of the moment thing. :D

_fendstrat.chick: _Well... I guess. :D

_kisalamode:_ There you have it! Enjoy. Please.

_DorothyxCookie_: Lol! Yay, thank you!

_Friglit_: 8D

_SendMoreParamedics_: LOL XD

_Harumi Sohma the Fox Zodiac:_ Not much Gin screentime in this one, unfortunately. He will make a comeback soon. :D

_Trishmeister_: :D Lol, thank you!

_BandGeeK24_: xD Ahaha... I hope I can keep it up. Thank you for the review!

_iluvbooksandanime_: It'll come. Eventually. I need to introduc Nnoitra properly first. And I played around with that concept for a while, but I was all like... Nah... Maybe I'll think up of another way. 8D

_Haikari: _:D I have a smiley face for you.

_fateHASu:_ He looks five-six, kinda has the mentality of a three or four. I dunno, haven't decided yet... Yeah, that's a weakness for me. I never make my characters consistent. / Thank you for the review!

_Itachi'sEBILcuppycake: _Thank you! :D

_Urukiora Schifa_: Sorry! D: But thank you for pointing it out.

_SapphireJade_: Thank you for reviewing! :D

xoxox

Okay, confession. This fic is going to the pits of pure CRACK.

Okay? Okay.

I'm serious. Please do not proceed if you think that you value in-character-ness than Humor. Except I think I nailed Nnoitra pretty well. Who knows? :D God, this chapter sucks. Dx Ugh, dude.

Read and review, please! :D

xoxox

xoxox

_5_

_Lesson Three_

_Meeting The Family_

xoxox

_Shit._

Just, _shit._

Okay, you will just have no idea what to fucking say when your number one Bane of Existence finds out about your... Kid. It is a WTF moment to outshine all WTF moments to the point where you can't even see the shit hit the fan. More so that this is Aizen _Sousuke _of all people, which is the current Gawd on the New World.

"... Aizen-sama," Ulquiorra acknowledged, inclining his head politely.

I glared. Oh, Ulquiorra just _has _to be the one who says something first!

Well I can do it too!

"I - I -" I started, then my voice died down.

...

...

Ulquiorra's poker expression said it all.

_U FAIL._

Dude, I can _read _the little emo bitch.

"Shut up!" I hastily said, then turned to Aizen, who was still having a staring contest with Hel. I shoved Hel to Ulquiorra's arms and stood between him and Aizen's viewpoint.

The Gawd raised an eyebrow.

Ulquiorra and Gin did the same thing, but Gin was squealing quite femininely, wailing about some lack... Of... Popcorn for the - _showdown?_

...

_So why haven't I killed the guy; again?_

_Fucking Mystery, man. Fucking mystery._

"Yo, Aizen-sama! Like, um. Fine day today, isn't it!" My grin stretched to the point of 'Completely Fake', but Aizen didn't seem to notice it. I tried again. "Okay, look, I can explain. But y'see, there's a shitload of things to say SO - right now since you can't see the kid, he doesn't exist!" I said triumphantly, pointing at Aizen. Then I added some more. "To you! Ha ha!"

...

...

Ulquiorra slapped his forehead. I blinked in question.

"What? That logic totally works in TV, man."

Gin muffled his laughter and the only reason why I haven't kicked his ass yet was because I didn't want Gawd to kick _my _ass.

"This is reality, unfortunately..." Ulquiorra drawled, and Hel squirmed in his arms. Only then Aizen spoke up.

Well, I should have known by _now _that Aizen was a smart ass, and I'm not kidding when I say he's _smart. _He quickly picked up everything after analyzing it in a short while.

"... So that is your child, I believe?" he asked, cocking an eyebrow.

The sentence beat some sense into me.

"Well -"

_I can't say yes, my rep is at stake! I'll just say no and get it over with -_

I looked at Hel. He stared at me expectantly with his big blue eyes.

_... Fuck._

"... Yep," I said, defeated, but one day _I will _be victorious against those Puppy Eyes of Doom! Just not now. _Damn._

There was a silence that nobody felt the need to break, because Aizen was still thinking it over.

"I am disappointed in you two," Aizen said disapprovingly, tutting. Ulquiorra froze and _I _froze and oh shit.

Oh _SHIT._

_Goodbye, cruel world._

_I still haven't wrote a will yet... Fuck._

"I've always implied excessively on the importance of _protected sex_! I hadn't done all those lectures for nothing, you know!" Aizen exclaimed, running a hand through his hair while he waved another hand in the air.

And I was just.

Like.

_**WTF!?**_

"I knew you slept around, Grimmjow, but to do it with Ulquiorra - I never realized you two had taken your relationship to that far. Was it angry sex? If it was mutual, then that's good. But I never knew that male Arrancars could have children with each other - nevermind that, this is more important!"

Sorry. Does not compute.

Can not compute.

"Ulquiorra - why hadn't you told me about this? Of all the people! Well, congratulations on your new child, but would it hurt to tell your _father _about your bundle of joy?"_ He lamented._ Oh god, he was actually _lamenting._ He turned to Gin, expression conveying 'Lyk, Gawd is Upset'. "Gin! You knew about this, didn't you!"

"I had to find all all by myself, Aizen-sama," Gin said cheerfully, and my mind went _KaBOOSH,_

_PSHH,_

_BOOM._

"And he's a young child now! I sure that you were shocked, Grimmjow, Ulquiorra, but you need not keep this from me for a few years," he chided gently, nodding patronizingly. "You can trust me. I _am _your father."

A la _Star Wars, _but my mind was malfunctioning to the point of not even picking that up.

Wow.

_WOW._

"... I need to sit down," I said faintly, then hobbled to the nearest wall. I just... Need some time to rock myself in the corner. Wow. _Wow. _I don't even have the words to tell Gawd what really happened. Do I even want to tell him what really happened?

_Oh, this kid just followed me around out of nowhere and he thinks I'm the MOM and Ulqui's the DAD even though that's so totally fucked up man and yo, wassup Gawd?_

Okay, I don't want to tell him what really happened.

Aizen walked up to Ulquiorra and plucked Hel out of his arms neatly, 'cause he was all like staring dumbly at the wall behind. I guess he was thinking along the same lines, only that he'll be like 'Wtf Aizen-sama, What Have They Done To You, Emo Emo Emo'.

Unfortunately, I won't get to see him doing the ritual of 'Emo, Poem, Violin, Wrist' even if he's Emocar-ing, 'cause Ulquiorra just _looks_ Emo and might be shittin' razorblades, but he's nowhere near suicidal. I don't think I even make sense now.

See what you did, Hel? _See what you __**did.**_

"He has your eyes, Grimmjow! And your hair, Ulqui. I'm... So proud..."

Wait, I think I just heard Gawd sniff.

...

_La La La. I'm _NOT _listening._

" - But getting back to the point! What did your parents name you?" Aizen asked, beaming. Hel smacked him on the nose.

Hel smacked _Aizen-GAWD _on his FACE.

"AHH!"

_Grimmjow Jeagerjacques Dies of Heart Attack. The End._

Unfortunately, reality is not very nice. So I still lived, though I did choke on something while Ulquiorra sputtered. "Helios!"

"Ha ha!" Aizen waved us off, and I breathed like a fish, twitching my eyes. "Young kids are so charming, don't you think?"

"Put me down!" Hel demanded, and Aizen did so. Hel fussed on his clothing for a bit before he clutched onto his cat plushie and stared at Aizen with a curious look, cocking his head to the side. "Are you my uncle? Like Uncle Gin?"

"You can call me Jii-san, since I'm technically your grandfather!"

"You're a really young granddad," Hel said pointedly_, _staring like a hawk. Aizen seemed unperturbed at this and smiled merrily.

"Oh, I only look young, Helios. I'm quite middle-aged for what I am."

"Do you use Botox? 'Cause my friend says it's makes old people look young and plastic_,_" Hel said, eyes _wide open_ and I was.

Wtf.

How did he even knew about -

Wtf.

Gin and Ulquiorra both gave me a 'Wtf is Botox?' look and I shook my head.

Aizen laughed anyway, since he was smart and he knew what that was. He ruffled Hel's hair and turned to both of the parents. "He's such a delightful child! I can't believe you tried to keep this a secret. We must celebrate! Come Gin!"

"Wait wait wait wait - No, Gawd - I mean, Aizen-sama!" I shouted, putting up my hand to stop them. "But I haven't even -" Aizen sighed, putting up a hand and stopping me halfway.

"You needn't call me Aizen-sama anymore. I respect your wishes of wanting to be a spouse with Ulquiorra, and I accept the sentiment whole-heartedly. You may call me... Father."

I went slack-jawed, heaving in like a dying fish.

"I just - what the _fuck! _I don't freaking _want _to -"

"Hmm, no? How about 'Dad'? You've never been confined to the formal reaches of language, even till now..." Aizen pondered, and Ulquiorra slapped his forehead again.

I tried to breathe in, but I was pretty sure I was hyperventilating then.

"... Aizen-sama... You seem... Very enthusiastic," he ended dryly. "But unfortunately, Grimmjow and I are not getting marr -"

Aizen interrupted him.

"Have you any idea what it _means _to be a Grandfather; after all these years? The family I never had and always wanted... And my progidical son is getting along with the rowdy street-rat rebel - having a child together -" He cut himself off, placing a hand on his face. "It is so _beautiful!_"

Since when did this become a soap opera?

Gin sidled up behind him, patting his back. "There, there, Aizen-sama... Want some tissues?"

"A kind gesture, Gin, but I don't need it." Aizen sighed, coming up to me and placing a hand on my shoulder. "You two should have a _Grand Wedding_. I give my full approval in handing over Ulquiorra's... Hand in marriage. Please, take good care of him, and Helios."

I twitched, falling over on my ass on the floor and foaming on the mouth, world going black. Ulquiorra ran up to me, Aizen smiled merrily, Gin was laughing his ass off and Hel gasped.

"_Mommy_!"

xoxox

xoxox

"Ughh..."

"He's coming to!"

"Clear the area, he needs more air."

_Ulqui?_

"Mommy - mommy, wake up mommy."

_... Hel?_

_Oh._

_Shit._

_Hell._

I opened my eyes to the sight of Ulquiorra peering down at me way _too _closely and I backed away, scrambling behind. "Like, _DUDE!_" I said, shuddering. "You just don't _DO _that, man!"

"Mommy!" Hel cheered, hugging me tightly across my torso. I held him in my arms instinctively and he squirmed, smiling. "Is he okay, Daddy?"

"Yes, he's still the overbearing simpleton he is," Ulquiorra said plainly, and I glared.

"Shut the fuck up. Where are we?"

"In the throne room." Ulquiorra paused, before speaking up again. "Aizen-sama went out to fetch the other Espada. They are on their way."

It took me a while, but I did get it. _HAH, _Ulqui, take that - I ain't a simpleton-whatever -

"_What the HELL DID YOU SAY!?" _I squawked, voice pitching embarassingly high. Ulquiorra raised an eyebrow.

"Aizen-sama went out to fetch the other Espada. They are on their -"

"I know that!" I interrupted, before groaning into my hands. This day can just _not _get any worse, man. My reputation of being the Las Nachos Badass was quickly flashing before my eyes. But - maybe I can still get away. I looked up to the door, and at Gin, then at Hel, then at Ulqui, then at the door. I did it again for a second time. "Escape. _Now._"

Ulquiorra gave me a funny look.

"Why? Aizen is still telling everyone about both of us and little Helios."

"I don't wanna be there when it happens," I said like a spoiled brat, but Ulquiorra glared.

"You have to."

"Don't wanna."

"Yes."

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"YES!"

"Ulquiorra - Grimmjow!" Aizen said boomingly and I shouted.

"NOOOO!"

_Accidentally._

Aizen stared at me as if I grew two heads, but laughed. Again. Was he on eternal high? Behind him were the motley crew known as the Espada Band - Szayel, Nnoitra, Stark, and Halibel. Unfortunately, Szayel survived the whole pain stage, and Nnoitra made it out alive. Everyone else was dead.

Tousen came up behind him too. I don't like Tousen. Actually, nobody likes him. He's just... There.

"Ah. My trusted Espada and Generals - I give you - Grimmjow and Ulquiorra."

...

...

...

"So... What's the occassion?" Nnoitra asked. Aizen shot him a well-timed, disarming smile.

"There is a new member of the family."

Szayel raised an eyebrow and looked around. "Where?"

And after that, Hel piped up. "I'm down here!"

They all looked down, blankly. Aizen used this as the opportunity to make sure introductions were in order.

"Everyone, this is Helios. You may call him Hel. Say hi to Hel, please."

Everyone said 'Hi' in some sort of way, and Halibel raised a hand. "Is this a new addition to the Espada, Aizen-sama?"

"... No. Everyone, I am pleased to announced that Grimmjow and Ulquiorra have recently been getting along well! Well, not recently. They're getting married, and this is their son!"

Hel beamed.

Everyone _choked _on something or other; everyone except Gin and Stark. Because Gin just Pwns, and Stark was like 'Oh, Really?' He has my respect, man. He's cool.

"_GRIMMJOW!?"_

_"ULQUIORRA!?"_

_"MARRIED!"_

But Stark sighed. "You're supposed to ask about their kid."

"Oh, yeah." Szayel went appropriately slack-jawed. "_KID!?_"

Aizen placed a hand under Szayel's jaw and snapped it up.

"Yes, this is their wonderful child! It is a wonderful day today, full of discovery and whatnot, and I've always wanted to plan a wedding. We shall all give our respects to the new couple - but for now, introductions are in order! Hel, those are your uncles - Nnoitra, Szayel, Stark, and Tousen. Halibel is your aunt. Say hi, Hel."

"Hello," Hel said shyly, and Szayel stared the most. Fucking creepo.

"He's... So... Fucking _CUTE!_" He screamed, hugging the little bundle of joy. "What when how who why WHERE have you been keeping him _ALL THIS TIME!_"

I moved closer to Ulquiorra, whispering. "Wanna tell them?"

"Practically, and to save me from future migraines? Yes," Ulquiorra said blankly, then pondered. "But..."

Somehow, Ulquiorra and me agreed unanimously and unthinkingly, that even if we told them what _really _happened, they wouldn't believe it. They would probably think it was adoption or something other than _pregnancy, _but definitely not downright Stalking to the point of calling Male Blue-Haired Espadas Your Mommy.

"... This is way too fucking funny, man," I finished for him, crossing my arms and laughing silently. Ulquiorra rolled his eyes.

Hel stared up at everybody, oblivious to the pink-haired man hugging him and the conversation between his parents. "That's too hard - can I call you with some nicknames?"

"You can do whatever you want, Helios!" Aizen said, grinning. He shot a _Look _at the other Espada. "Am I right?"

"Yes, Aizen-sama."

"Um... You all look really weird," Hel said honestly, then he pointed at Halibel, looking concerned. "Auntie Hally... Your balls are saggy... Are they okay?"

...

I can't believe... Oh my god.

Everyone coughed discreetly, while Halibel actually. Blushed. I dunno, her collar's way too high for me to see. But she coughed too and she actually pulled her clothes down a bit. Helios then turned to Stark.

"Hi Uncle Starkfish!"

Gin coughed. "Stark... Fish..."

"Whatever," he said lazily, shrugging. Next up was Tousen.

"Uncle Twocents... You're..." Hel stared, tilting his head, then shrugged. "I dunno. Black?"

"... I don't need to hear this."

"Uncle Sayell, why do you have pink hair?"

"Because you're really, really cute," Szayel said, pinching Hel on the cheeks. "He's _ADORABLE. _Can I keep him? Please? Please please please?"

"Szayel, Helios is Ulquiorra's and Grimmjow's child."

He pouted. Then he grinned and turned to Stark. "Can we have a -"

"No."

"Aw!"

"Uncle... Uncle... What's his name?" Hel asked, looking at Nnoitra.

"Nnoitra."

"Noeta?"

Nnoitra twitched. "It's _Nnoitra."_

"Noeta?"

"It's _Nnoitra, _are you freaking deaf, kid?" But Hel was already ignoring him. "Oi!"

"Daddy, Uncle Noeta works as something, but I can't find the word," Hel said sadly, and Ulquiorra coughed, while Nnoitra twitched.

"For the last freaking time, brat, it's _Nnoitra!_ And what'dyou mean I'm working? I'm a freaking Espada!"

I leered at him. "Yo, _Noeta. _How's it going, _Noeta. _Whazup, Noe -"

"Mommy!" Hel cried out, sniffing, getting away from Szayel and looking up at me. "I can't think of anything!"

...

...

_Mommy? _went through every single Espada's heads at the time, and I _knew, _because Nnoitra started laughing first.

"Emocar _tops?_" Nnoitra asked, laughing like nobody's business and I wanted to beat his face into the wall. That'll be a good start. "This is just _too _good, man!"

Hel was still mulling over his thoughts, before he suddenly beamed. "I got it!" Before anyone could say anything, he turned to Nnoitra-bitch. "You're a drag-queen, arentcha!"

Aizen gasped. "What have you been teaching your child!"

Ulquiorra snorted, covering up a giggle.

I laughed my fucking ass off.

xoxox

_End Chapter Five._

xoxox

xoxox

A/N: ... Yeah, more on interaction than on details. I'll explain.. .Everything... later. I'll probably re-edit this chapter ANYWAY.

Have a nice day everyone! :D


	6. Why Can't We Get Along?

**The Espada Guide to Parenting**

by Impervious Marr

xoxox

Summary: Life's good. War's over. Las Nachos - I mean Noches, is getting cleaner, Aizen's giving us all vacations, and - by the way, I have a kid stalker who thinks I'm his mom and Ulquiorra's his dad. LG, man, LG. GrimmUlqui.

Warnings: MxM, yaoi - GrimmUlqui sort. xD Pointless fluff thingythingy. Lots of cussin'. (It's Grimmjow.) FIRST PERSON POV. An OC who is _not_ in love with the main characters. (Gasp.) In fact, he's a little kid.

A/N: Trying hard.

_**Review Responses!**_

_Emiliana: _Oh wow. Long review! xD I like! Thank you very much. I'm flattered. But I'm not sure if this chapter will meet up to everybody's expectations. ;w; My brain was half dead when I wrote it, but excuses are excuses. And I update. Yay!

_Teslyn: _Nooo! XD

_Meng-4-2: _Aw, thanks. :D

_Kitty Otaku:_ Ahahaha, yes, Ulquiorra does pwn. 8D

_Hearii:_ :D They will. Eventually. But Aizen's gonna go along with whatever he's planning anyway. :3

_demon ragdoll_: LOL I know 8D That gives me an idea, by the way...

_fendstrat.chick: _Sorry for taking so long this time. :3 Well, enjoy. Hopefully.

_kisalamode:_ Lol! I dunno, I'm still debating on who should top and not... Hmm... Mwahaha...

_Ribbonrebel31_: Stark just pwns, in my opinion. 8D

_Friglit_: Haha! Thank you. XD

_Good Bye Tomorrow_: Thank you! :D

_Harumi Sohma the Fox Zodiac:_ xD He'll needit alright. In showing Hel to the right path! Oh yeah!

_Trishmeister_: :D Lol, thank you!

_KaruKyan: _I hope not. o.o I want to to gut busting some more.

_iluvbooksandanime_: They'll have to develop their relationship for the sake of Helios.. And their sanity. And I'll make sure of it. Mwahaha...

_Haikari: _XD Will do!

_fateHASu:_ Yep. He's a natural. 8D

_Itachi'sEBILcuppycake: _Thank you for reviewing! Have a nice day. :D

_Urukiora Schifa_: :3

_soysauce_: Thank you for reviewing! :D And you're welcome!

_Favrite of Chaos:_ xD Still am. Thanks for the review!

_GrimmMah-chan: _Lol! Thank you! xD

_Kashear the Merciful Reaper: _Hahaha, thank you for the review! :D

_Chinksta: _He does. XD

_JJ Gestapo_: ;w; Don't die too soon! :D

_ScarletFirez:_ I felt particularly ruthless one day. :D

_AfterDarkHours: _Wow lol! That's good to hear! And don't worry, I'll finish this story eventually...

_Tox-sama: _La la la. 8D I will take full responsibility.

_kaesaku: _Okaaaay :D

_Lia-Osaka92: _Wow, lol! Thank you ;w;

_KuraiTejna:_ I will. :D

xoxox

xoxox

By the way, on the 'Emocar'... I have to thank Urukiora Schifa for that. o.o -throws love-

I am seriously stuck. oo I don't know how I kept up all my humor before this. I'm sorry if I can't meet your expectations.

Read and review, please! :D

Not much Gin again. D: I'm thinking, really. I think he'll have a major part in Hel's... Um...

Education.

-laughs evilly-

xoxox

xoxox

_6_

_Lesson Four_

_Why Can't We Get Along?_

xoxox

Okay.

Get this - wait, let me do my impersonation of Ulquiorra's voice first. Ahem.

'There were some things in life which can undoubtedly drive a man up a wall and in the land of Unicorns and OohLa_Las.'_

I'm not kidding. This 'land' is never too far away when you're living with a band made out of pure _stupidity_. The _Espada, _if you still don't get my meaning. Let's face it. We have a lazy ass as our strongest member, a chick with questionable fashion sense, an Emocar on the loose, a Drag Queen a la Eating Utensil (a.k.a. Spoony), and a pink haired Pedo Bear making up the strongest Arrancars in Aizen's army.

If those looks Szayel was giving to my kid was of any indication.

Then you have me. A psychotic maniac with a shit-eating grin as the dad of the newest member of our dysfunctional family, Helios.

And above us all? Three men in white that defected from Soul Society because black was so totally not their color. I mean come on, I don't really believe in all that bullshit of standing on top of the world coming out from Aizen.

_**LOOK **_at him, man!

"But I liked my previous theory better!" Aizen whined.

My theory still stands. Men in Black to Men in White. My logic pwns all, don't question it. Thank you.

I felt like throwing myself off that pretty little window not too far away from me just to save my sanity from this sort of personal hell. T_his_ was the man who slammed me down on my knees using only his freaking reiatsu. _This_ was the man who took over the world.

"Woe is me," he wailed dramatically, and I twitched.

Yeah. _This guy._

_This _is the guy ruling over Las _Nachos._

_THIS GUY._

Am I missing something like, really important here? Like, for example, pigs have been recently using fighter jets in the sky?!

I checked outside. No such thing.

To cut it short, I was _trying _to explain to them what really happened, because one, I did not do the _WooHoo_ with Ulqui, and two, it'll make life easier. Not to mention to correct the misconception that Emocar _tops. _He does not. I am obviously the dominant in this fucked up sort of relationship we have. (Do we even _have _a relationship?)

_Obviously._

It's only following logic.

But then again, logic doesn't exactly exist here, does it?

Aizen suddenly sighed. Everyone else kept quiet to wait for our leader (_THIS GUY)_ to give his verdict on the whole situation.

"Whatd'you think he's gonna say?" I asked quietly, at Ulquiorra who was smacking Nnoitra's hands away from smacking Hel on the head after that Drag Queen comment. "Want some ice with that burn, Spoony?" I taunted, and Nnoitra sneered.

"Does your ass hurt, Pussyface -"

"There are more polite terms for Drag Queen," Gin explained towards Hel, and I can already feel my Grimmkitty senses tingling. "You may call Nnoitra a drag artist, or my personal favorite, Female _Impersonator._" He made little hand signals with his fingers, and Hel just stared up, amazed.

"Wow!"

I choked.

"You see, Nnoitra is a _Female Impersonator."_

Those hand signals again. I didn't know whether to beat Gin's head in or to stop Nnoitra from beating his head in - or just watch the whole thing.

I pick number three. Hey, entertainment's entertainment.

"Uncle Noeta wants to be a lady?"

"Yes. Don't we all, Nnoitra?"

"Fuck you!"

Aizen tutted. "Language, Nnoitra." It didn't take very long for him to get it over with and grin already. "Ah, well. Even though my previous theory was incorrect..." Aizen suddenly spread out his arms, his robes billowing behind him. A glorious light from above suddenly shined down upon him. I could faintly hear a choir singing in the background. '_Ohhhh!'_

"The wedding is still on!"

Gin cheered, and so did Hel.

"Woo, Aizen-sama for the win!"

"For the winn!"

It took me a while to process. In that pose, Aizen faintly reminded me of this crazy chick who went around screaming 'Let There Be GAY!' one time when I went down to the Human World.

Fucking traumatizing.

I choked again when I processed it.

"How the who the what the WHY!?" I demanded. Damn it man, don't I have _say _in this sort of thing? Where are my rights! Call my freaking lawyer!

Oh yeah.

Las Nachos.

No lawyers.

(_Shit.)_

"But of course! Otherwise, your union will not be official. With the bearing of a child, you should be together forever!"

"_NOOOOOO!"_

Or what I would've said, if I didn't want to get my ass handed over to me three times over. I could only wail silently - because if Aizen wanted something done, he'll get it done.

Usually through Gin.

Who was smiling a smile I was _sure _wasn't good for my health. I can feel the heart attack coming my way.

...

...

Maybe I should seriously consider applying for a restraining order...

"But we didn't _bear _a child, Aizen-sama," Ulquiorra protested, and Aizen's smile twitched.

"I want to be a Grandfather."

"But -"

"I _want _to be a _Grandfather,_" Aizen repeated slowly, as if we were morons, and both of us snapped our mouths shut. "And you wouldn't want to let down Helios, would you?"

"Mommy and Daddy aren't getting married?"

Aizen gave us a _Look._

And I realized something _really _important about my life in being a badass - that the good die young. _Always._

Ugh.

Lucky bastards.

xoxox

xoxox

We were sitting quietly in one little corner as Gin and Szayel was playing with Hel. That was fine. I needed to get my thoughts straight. This is like the turning point of my life. My freaking _LIFE!_

"... We're about to get married."

"I do believe that is the case."

"... Married. Me. I'm getting _married_."

"Yes, Grimmjow, we have already established that -"

"Ulqui?"

"... Yes, Grimmjow?"

"No hablas espanol."

"..."

"..."

"We're speaking English, Grimmjow."

"I know." I stared creepily at him. "I'm... Getting married."

Ulquiorra slapped me on the face. I guess I needed it.

"OW!"

"Yes, Grimmjow, we're both getting married. To each other -"

"I'm getting _MARRIED!"_ I wailed, shaking him violently on the shoulders. "Do you know what this means!? Commitment and a life of guarding my precious boy from stupid would-be husbands! Slaving away on my kitchen while you come home every night late! Me watching Oprah and eating ice cream while wailing along with the plights of the far and beyond _along with Halibel and her SAGGY __**BOOBS, OH THE AGONY - **_"

Ulquiorra slapped me again.

"_**OW**_!"

"Get a hold of yourself, Jeagerjacques, I am _warning you!"_

"Okay." I inhaled. Hee haw hee haw. "I am calm. I am composed. I am cool. As a cucumber. A fried... Sea cucumber. Yeah. I'm cool. My mom says I'm cool - wait, I don't have a mom..."

...

...

It lasted for about two seconds.

"I'M GETTING MARRIED! HOLY FLAMING MOTHER OF-"

Ulquiorra raised up a hand.

" - I'll shut up now."

"Good." Ulquiorra gave me a funny look before settling down on the spot beside me. "What is so bad about commitment?"

"To you, it wouldn't be a bad thing! But I'm used to living high and free, man. This is like..."

_Scaring me shitless._

"I don't know. I'm just being a bit weird in the head. I mean, it's not everyday you get a kid out of nowhere that turns out to be an Arrancar. It's kinda grating on my nerves, especially the whole fucking Espada band not really taking this seriously."

(Yes, people, I have _depth._)

"Espada? Taking this seriously? Grimmjow, we have a _Female Impersonator _in our ranks," Ulquiorra deadpanned. I smothered a laugh.

"Good point - whoah, you're making a joke!"

...

...

...

Ulquiorra cracked his knuckles and I backed away.

"I will take that as a compliment, yes?"

"Yes. Yes you will."

"ACHOO!"

_**BOOM**_

_"AHHHHHHH!"_

Both of us immediately stood up and looked at the trio running around with Hel.

The side of Szayel's head was singed off of his hair and he looked shocked with the sudden... Baldness. (He was screaming.) Gin was laughing hysterically, while Hel simply looked astonished and scared slash apologetic.

"Uncle Sayell! I'm sorry! I didn't mean it!"

"MY HAIR! MY FREAKING PERFECT HAIR!" Szayel turned to Gin with a death glare. "YOU!"

It didn't achieve the required effect. He was bald on one side and looked like a chicken. It was understandable why Gin laughed even more. I joined in, as Szayel bellowed.

"YOU ARE SO _DEAD, _ICHIMARU GIN!"

"Mommy, Daddy, I'm - I didn't mean it! Uncle Gin tickled my nose and I sneezed pretty badly!" Hel wailed, clutching on his kitty plushie and looking at us for help. He clutched to my pant leg and I scooped him up because I didn't want to drag myself everywhere with some excess baggage. "I'm sorry..."

"Hey, kiddo, I'm proud of ya," I said, ruffling his hair.

"You are?"

"Yeah, Szayel doesn't mind if he's a target. See; he's going after Gin and not you!" I reasoned, elbowing Ulquiorra and he nodded, bewildered. Hel smiled, lighting up like a lightbulb.

"Okay!"

"But you should work on your aiming," I muttered distractedly. "A little more to the right and he would be _really _bald."

"I'll do it for Mommy!" Hel said enthusiastically, and immediately aimed to fire. A cero shot out and -

It missed.

Instead of relieving Szayel of the rest of his hair, it relieved Szayel of the ability, to, um. Sit. Ulquiorra and I blinked as the cero singed the backside of the fruity pink-haired Arrancar.

Szayel shrieked enough to wake up the dead.

"OW SHIT -" He turned around and screamed again. "MY FREAKING ASS - GRIMMJOW JEAGERJACQUES!"

Gin videotaped it.

And I just laughed my ass off, Sonido­-_ing _off with Ulquiorra right behind me and Helios giggling in my arms.

... Shit, I slipped again.

_It's Hel, you stupid dumbfuck._

xoxox

We were halfway to our room near the kitchens when it happened.

"I want cake."

I stared dumbly at the person who said it, and had to double take.

"... You want a what?"

"A cake. I'm hungry, and I want a cake." Ulquiorra gave me a look. "And you're going to help me make one."

"And who the hell are you to order me around, eh?"

Ulquiorra narrowed his eyes.

Then he picked up Hel, beaming his puppy dog eyes of PWNING towards me and -

"Cheater!"

"It's not cheating. It's called using my resources. Now _move, _Grimmjow, I want a cake _now._"

"And _where_ exactly are we gonna get one?" I asked sarcastically, and suddenly Ulquiorra pinked. I blinked. _Interesting._

"I just had a craving. Go get it for me -"

"Oh hell no! You're coming with me!"

xoxox

Same gigai, same shopping mall. We treaded carefully lest we stumbled upon the Fangirls of the Department Store, and finally got to a cake house. It was nice enough - a secluded place and to-die-for cupcakes. Hel couldn't keep his eyes off them. Ulquiorra couldn't take his eyes off the cakes.

Me? I couldn't take my eyes off the yarn ball set as a decoration.

"Can I have one pretty please?" Hel asked mournfully and I snorted distractedly, snatching the yarn.

"You can have as much as you want. Ulquiorra, bring him around and pickup whatever you want. I'll just wait to the side."

_And play with my new found ball! Tee hee_

Um... Moving on. So I get high with yarn. Whatever.

Ulquiorra didn't protest much - in fact, I think I saw him smiling gleefully.

...

...

Right.

A waitress came up and smiled at me, leaning invitingly and I wanted to roll my eyes. "Welcome to PQ's Cake House! Would you like to order anything in particular?"

"Just some cold water."

"Are you sure, sir? That's all -"

"You can also tally up these purchases, trash," Ulquiorra cut in coldly, and I looked up, cocking an eyebrow. Helios was happily munching away on a sample of those cupcakes we saw earlier - rather... Um... Enthusiastically.

I twitched when the whole side of his cheek was smeared with chocolate.

"That was fast?"

"I already knew what to buy." Then he glared some more at the poor girl. "I said _go._"

She bristled, but went anyway. I just kept that funny look on my face.

"What was that for?"

"We're married," was all Ulquiorra said, and I grinned.

"You're jealous?"

"No."

"That's exactly what I'm seein' right here."

"Then you need to go to an optician," Ulquiorra deadpanned, but I ignored it.

"Jealous."

"Not."

"Jealous."

"I am not -"

"Jealoussss!" I sang, and Ulquiorra thwacked me on the back of my head. "Ow shit -" He thwacked me again, and I yelped. "Stop it, Ulqui -" And again. "What the fucking -" And _again. _"You fucking sadist!"

"Language, Grimmjow," he tutted, mimicking Aizen.

Then he hit me again.

"What the - Ulqui, fucking stop it already!"

"No. I am truly fascinated by your head. The inexplicable urge for my hand to merge with your head is unfortunately enough to overpower me."

"... That's the fucking creepiest thing I've ever heard," I said in a small voice, eye twitching. He gave an almost smile when the girl came back with the bill.

"Pay for my purchases."

xoxox

When we got back to my room, there was a note taped to the front.

_We fiddled around with your bedroom! From your loving father._

...

...

I tore it apart, and cocked an eyebrow. Okay, ignoring the fact that Aizen wants me to call him 'Dad', what the hell did he meant by my bedroom?

I had a sudden feeling that he installed cameras.

...

...

Nah.

I opened the door a bit apprehensively.

Oh.

Well.

Not much difference, except that the room is way bigger - and -

"Holey!" I put Hel down and gleefully ran, jumping and landing heavily on the bed. "They got me a bigger bed!"

"I suppose that's for us three, then," Ulquiorra murmured, and I looked up.

"Hell no, maybe this is the compensation I'm getting for my lost sanity!"

"It's Aizen, Grimmjow. Think about it." _You stupid fool. _"He probably wants us to sleep in the same room since we're to be wedded."

I glared. Stupid logical thinking.

"Okay, fine. But we're splitting the bed into two. You get that side and I get this. Get it?"

Ulquiorra grunted, and started taking off his clothes. I stared.

"What're you doing?"

"Preparing for sleep. _Obviously._ Come on, Helios. Let's get you dressed up in your pajamas."

"Okay, Daddy!"

And so he slept on his side and I slept on mine. Hel cheerfully laid spread-eagle on the middle.

xoxox

Funnily enough, when I woke up a bit later, somehow my legs were tangled in his and Hel was in between, smiling cheerfully. I blearily opened my eyes and there was this really annoying clicking sound and flashing light - along with an evil, evil laugh that sounded just like Gin.

Ugh.

Too tired to care.

Good night.

xoxox

_End Chapter Six._

xoxox

xoxox

A/N: ... Slump...

Have a nice day everyone! :D


	7. On the Other Side

**The Espada's Guide to Parenting**

by Impervious Marr

xoxox

A/N: ULQUIORRA IS SO HARD TO WRITE.

End.

I'm so sorry for super slow demon update.

xoxox

7

_On The Other Side_

xoxox

Hello.

My name is Ulquiorra Schiffer.

You are all trash.

Now that we have that established, I am here today to fill in the role of the currently absent Grimmjow. He had some pressing issue to attend to concerning his role as an Espada that none of you would be interested in, and asked me to take over for today.

Or, rather, he didn't tell me about it.

…

…

No, I am not sulking.

As you know, I am the father of Helios. Whatever Grimmjow said to you all earlier about him being the dominant one in the relationship is a large, obese _lie._ Since I am the Fourth, wouldn't it be more logical for me to be the 'Dad'?

Yes, my logic cannot be questioned. You will learn that soon enough.

You will also learn that I have an unhealthy obsession over these things humans make, which are called 'Cakes'. Perhaps humans aren't as useless as I first thought. Especially that particular type called a 'Cheesecake'. I like them very much especially with a side serving of Aizen-sama's tea. Not to mention the –

_Dude._

Grimmjow, I believed you had some 'pressing matter' to attend to?

_Yeah, and I asked you to take over in telling the __**story**__, and not ramble about your life._

Precisely. You asked me to take over in telling the story, thus logically, I can go about at it in whatever way I want.

_Like, I know you're starved for attention, but still._

I am _not _starved for attention!

_Aww, poor Ulqui. All alone and with no one to pay attention to him for the last six chapters._

… Ignore the useless blue-haired fool in the background. After attending to my morning rituals, I set upon the task of making Helios breakfast.

_Wait. Shit. You're not pouting on me, are you? Ulqui? Come on! Hey, I didn't mean it! Don't shut me out!_

Well I _was _planning on taking him to the kitchens when I heard a disturbing sound from the land of the counters and microwaves. (It was the first human gadgetry that Aizen-sama had us using only because he wanted a quick way to have his instant noodles. He's obsessed over those.)

_Okay, I never knew there was a point when Microwaves would be more interesting than me. Come on, Ulqui. I'm sorry._

Have you ever tried putting nothing inside and microwaving? It is very interesting.

_Fine, I'll come back later._

Yes, I am ignoring him, why do you ask?

No, I'm not sulking either. It's called, I believe, 'guilt-tripping'.

Great success.

xoxox

"Daddy? Where's Mommy?"

"Your mother has some work to do, Helios."

"Where are we going?"

"The kitchens. What would you like today for breakfast?"

"Um…" Helios looked everywhere around him (reminded me of that blue-haired fool), before looking at me with a bright grin. Well at least he's thinking properly - "I dunno!"

…

…

"You don't know."

"Yep! And, um. Uncle Gin told me to stay out of the kitchens 'cause there's somethin' going on in there," Helios added as an afterthought, and I almost sputtered. Now _that _wasn't information I was privy to – better yet, how did Helios know about it?

"When did he tell you?"

"In the middle of the night when he's doing the clicky-clicky thing with his thingy that flashes a lot. But he told me not to wake you guys up."

_Clicky-clicky __**what**__?_

Looking at Helios's giant grin, I decided that I should overanalyze the information to death _later_. "That's… Nice. And – what do you mean something is happening in the kitchens?"

Knowing Gin, it could be anything. So I couldn't help the paranoid tone in my voice (the lower ranked Arrancars passing beside us obviously picked it up, judging by the looks on their faces).

Unfortunately, I wasn't blessed with mind-reading skills, so I didn't know what they were _really _thinking about at the time – but that's another story to tell for another day. I was approaching the kitchen's double doors when a sudden, err, dis_turbing_ sound echoed from the depths of the kitchen.

I stared at the door, with my hands poised to open it, before retracting it slowly, chanting a mantra in my head.

… _That wasn't a moan. That wasn't a moan. That wasn't a – this is a kitchen, a sanitary kitchen, my sanitary kitchen, so that obviously wasn't Szayel indulging in the Unspeakable Act._

_My logic is unquestionable._

Welcome to Denial.

_Unquestionable with three exclamation marks!!_

"Daddy? What's that sound?" Helios asked and I _immediately _placed hands over his ears. "Um, uh, Daddy?"

"Shush!" With a twitching eye, I decided to investigate the source of the…. _Sound _by going closer to the door, but of course with my hands still over his ears. No sound. I sighed in indifferent relief, and straightened up to open the door again –

"_Oh, baby, y-yes – wait, where are you sticking that -" _A gasp, and then a long moan. "_O-Oh, damn, you're too good at this - please, yes, right there! Please? Oh – mmm – ah!"_

My childhood dreams – shattered. Well, no. Helios was the one looking up at me with a confused look on his face. "Daddy, is that Uncle Sayell? Why's he making weird noises?"

I simply patted his head as a moan tore through the air. "Cover your ears."

"But –"

"Don't question it; just cover your ears, Helios."

"Okay." As he did, I simply dragged him away, vowing to kill Szayel slowly on one of his dissecting tables. If this was a different time, I wouldn't hesitate. That was _my _kitchen.

But Helios happened.

And I decided killing Szayel needed to take a backseat to Hel's hunger.

Or, at least, before I realized one of the pitfalls for not being able to access the favored, _pristine _kitchen (which was probably non-pristine and unsanitary by now) was that, well, you had to go to other places to get your food.

There was Plan B, which was to kill ourselves over the crap they feed the lower ranked Arrancars. Pardon my language, but that is what that is. 'Crap'. There are no other possible words for the pure abomination that they actually call _food_. The kitchens on the lower levels were a terrible, terrible place, known only to take in the strangest of ingredients and spouting them off into the next Bio _Weapon_.

Or maybe I was just really hungry and I didn't want to go through the trouble of explaining to my subordinates that the kitchen upstairs was… Occupied.

Either way, I decided on one of the most significant decisions of my entire non-life.

Go to the Human World.

And that was the point where I frequently look back to in the future to berate myself for being such a _brilliant genius_.

There was always a point of possible insanity, and in my case, it's when I decide to interact with _trash._

I switched into a gigai and soon enough, we were ready to leave.

"Let's go to the Human World, Helios," I murmured, opening a Gargantua with a flick of my hand. The dimensional fabric ripped quite easily and Helios stared up at me with those gigantic eyes and that…

Really…

Creepy, creepy cat doll with those buttons for eyes.

But he smiled anyway. "Okay Daddy. Can I have pancakes?"

He slid his hand instinctively to clutch mine and held tight. So maybe insanity wasn't so bad after all.

xoxox

I rarely regretted anything that I did or said.

That earlier poppycock about 'insanity wasn't so bad'? Hah. Must be a temporary lapse in said _insanity._

These people trash were pressing up against me as they rushed past to pick up one of those pancakes by themselves at this bakery store. Apparently, according to a passing consumer, these pancakes were so good and so limited that everybody wanted a piece of it every time they opened the shop. Everyone was screaming and others wailing at a battle if lost, and others victoriously taking a swipe at their acquired prize – the steaming, fluffy goodness of a pancake.

It was uncomfortable for anyone who wanted to get their child one of those pancakes.

It was pure hell if you absolutely despised people-trash.

I never saw the appeal of pancakes. They were flat, round, and extremely hard to achieve that one perfect _brown _color if culinary skills weren't at your disposal. I growled when _another _person – a woman, this time – pushed up against me – and on _purpose, _I tell you. We've discussed this many times – I am not stupid. In fact, quite the opposite. Very, very opposite. And being so, I can tell the difference from being manhandled because of the primal urge to satisfy their hunger;

And downright groping.

This? This was downright violating my personal space. Twelve men and twenty-five women, now, and I only restrained from killing them only because I didn't want Hel to see that much violence.

Yet.

I fought my way to the front, and glared at the salesperson. Teenager. Typical. A hat was jammed onto her brightly colored hair and she looked dispassionate with the whole situation, smacking the bubble-gum against her lips.

"One family set, post-haste," I grinded out, and she snapped back.

"Keep your pants on. An FS, people!" she suddenly shouted, and then there was movement, and before I knew it, a package was in my hands. A package of fluffy, steaming Holy Goodness.

But I _was _hungry.

And as I looked back at the people behind me who wanted the same thing but haven't acquired it yet, I felt a sense of victorious satisfaction before I quickly squashed it down. No need to get all proud over a holding a box filled with pancakes.

_Yeah, an achievement that's gonna make Hel happy. You better check up on him, by the way._

_It's Helios. Even we agreed on the name, and not that name-shortening that Grimmjow insists on using._

_Fucking hell man, it's so much easier to just say Hel._

What the – even the most volatile of my inner voices wasn't _that _vulgar!

… _And where did you learn to speak in such an atrocious manner?_

_Hell if I know. I'm a figment of __**your **__imagination. I sound a bit like Grimmy. You miss him or something? _After a mental grin, the voice was gone.

I scowled. Partly because of that, and partly because the moment I stepped outside the throng of people trash, Helios was surrounded by those fan girls from hell in Chapter 2. Or was it Three?

Either way, it did not bode well for my future physical health. Or mental, for that matter.

I was about to snatch up Helios and run very, very, very far away, but then he spotted me and blew my cover. "Daddy! The nice girls are back!"

They turned to me like evil hawk witches with lecherous grins. Or at least, I hope it's _not _lecherous. But they were definitely grins, and they were looking at me, which was to say – maybe just a little bit creepy.

"Hi! I noticed that you're back in the mall!"

Oh, really? I hadn't noticed.

The sarcastic look I threw at her only made her laugh.

"Relax! We didn't hurt your cute kid. Uh, where's your boyfriend?" she asked curiously, and I sputtered.

"He is not my –"

"Oh, right! I forgot; I'm sorry. Where's your husband?"

Now I could understand why Grimmjow foamed at the mouth and fainted on the spot at the prospect of having to deal with Aizen-sama's bout of stupidity in the last chapter.

But me being me, I merely made a strangled noise at the back of my throat.

Then remembered Aizen-sama's apparent promise that we'll get married eventually.

So, defeated, I just nodded. They broke into wide grins.

"So is he good in bed?"

"How many times do you do it every week? Or – every day?" This one waggled her eyebrows and I resisted the urge to singe them off with a well-placed cero.

"Do you have hot, kinky –"

"Eriko-chan!" the others shouted, and she laughed embarrassedly, remembering the child in their vicinity.

"Sorry. I just get too carried away – so _do_ you?"

"How was your first kiss like?"

"How did you two meet?"

"Tell us, tell us!" they shouted, and I twitched.

"Is there any possible way of getting away from you all without being charged for murder?" I asked politely, and surprisingly they merely grinned wider.

"Absolutely not!"

I sighed. "All right. Let me set out Helios's breakfast and I'll tell you what I can remember."

"Woo!"

And later, I found out that _bitching, _I believe as it was called, was a great way to release the tension and get ice cream from fan girls who were willing to give you anything in exchange for a good, juicy gay story.

Hmm.

xoxox

"No way!" the girls shouted incredulously, and I shushed them. They quieted. "He hasn't _kissed _you yet!?"

"Keep it down from Helios. He doesn't know. He's under the illusion that we're a perfect family," I said nonchalantly, and they sighed happily.

"But I'm so envious of you three!"

I stared at her as if she just went over the deep end filled with sharks and said 'Oh, This?' when confronted about her missing leg.

"I mean, you three get along so well, whether you like it or not. Come on, isn't there a moment in time where you think that you can take care of Grimmjow and vice versa?"

… Confronted about her _two _missing legs.

"No," I replied blandly, and they rolled their eyes.

"_Men_."

"Come on, just imagine it. I mean, he's not that hard to look at – in fact, he's really easy on the eyes, so you shouldn't have much problem. Just imagine him saying 'I Love You' to you or something."

My brain stopped after the 'You' in the 'I love -

_Grimmjow looked at him affectionately, pressing a tender kiss to the his collarbone, near the hole. He slipped his hands around Ulquiorra's waist and pulled him closer._

_Then he leaned to whisper in his ear, gently nudging his head up carefully._

"_I love you, Ulquiorr –"_

It was kicked back to life by its own accord. Particularly by that mental scream of '_**AHHHHHH!!**_' in the background of my mind. Do you hear those agonizing screams of terror at the mere thought of Grimmjow being _gentle!? _Yes. That was me.

"No."

"Come on –"

"I said _no." _I pinned the statement with a glare, the crossing of the arms and a look to the side. "He is more inclined to let his _**stupid**_ show instead of showering someone with –" I shuddered – "_**Affection**_."

"So what if he shows his, uh, stupid, in front of other people?"

"Then I wish them best of luck." I snorted inelegantly, taking a napkin with great dignity and swiping the trail of maple syrup at the side of Helios's cheek.

"Alright, so what if he goes all affectionate to someone _other _than you?" a fan girl stated mischievously. I looked faintly annoyed with that notion and they squealed – but I snorted again.

"Ridiculous. The day when Grimmjow Jeagerjacques warms up to another with dishonest intentions is the day when I…" I trailed off, eyes fixed to a particular spot right behind Helios's head, at the other side of the mall.

Lo and behold, plain as day – speak of the devil; Grimmjow was right there and talking.

With.

Another.

Person. (Another male, I already had his face imprinted in my mind and he was going to _die _a la enraged Fourth Espada.)

_Civilly_.

**WHILE SMILING!?**

The girls looked up and whistled low; some of them snickering at the sight.

"So, you were saying?"

I didn't hear them. An inhuman growl tore at my throat and I stood up. "Daddy, where are you going?" Helios asked curiously. I didn't hear that either – well, I did, and I asked him, very nicely, to finish up his pancakes and stay with the nice girls for a bit while Daddy went to talk with Mommy for a bit. "Okay!"

I continued my statement from earlier. "The day, when _**GRIMMJOW JEAGERJACQUES WARMS UP, to another with dishonest intentions IS THE DAY, WHEN I'LL KNEE HIM IN THE BALLS!"**_ I shouted point blank, and he froze from where he was.

I took great satisfaction in the way his expression went from pleasant (PLEASANT!?) to 'I'm Going to Hell' in about two seconds flat, even as I stalked towards him purposefully. A lot of grace was involved (and not to mention a lot of cheering from the fan girls but I didn't want to know _why _they were cheering in the first place).

"Hi, Ulqui! I didn't know that you'll be here! How are you!" he said, maybe with a tinge of panic in his voice.

I ignored him, and immediately rounded up on the man who _dared _to talk with _Grimmjow, civilly, _which was obviously blatant _flirting._

Oh lord, even the word made me hiss like a schoolboy confronted about these things called _cooties._ (Gin lent me a few books about the Human World. I skimmed through them during the intervals in the story when I had free time and it dispelled some of the myths us Arrancars have believed since the beginning _of time itself._ I never knew _fast food_ **didn't **mean that it had legs and ran around like a chicken.

It was just served, er, _fast._)

"Who are you, what are you doing here and where did you come from?" I demanded ruthlessly, and the man threw up hands in front of himself, blinking.

"Whoah, whoah! 'Swear wasn't doing anything, love. Was just about to –"

I squawked at the 'love' within the same time Grimmjow was saying, "Hey!"

We glared at each other before I turned away and tapped my foot impatiently against the floor. "What were you doing with him?" I asked, calming myself down. The man babbled about some nonsense concerning rings, the world, cosmos, and the peanut butter sandwich he had this morning. I was seething by the time he was halfway through, and before I _really _saw red, I felt arms drape around me while Grimmjow grinned from the top of my head.

The height difference, since the start, never bothered me since I knew Grimmjow was weaker.

But as it was –

"What are you doing, Grimmjow?" I murmured, gazing with a mild look of 'I Am Going To Kill You When We Get Back'.

"This is the one I told you about," Grimmjow said wryly, looking at me with a 'STFU Already' expression and I felt the retort die in my throat. I settled for glaring at the man, who laughed again. "He's fucking scary when he's in a bad mood, yeah?"

"You can say that again. You're one lucky guy, Grimm. I'm gonna hightail outta here before it gets any worse. Good luck with your marriage and head's up to Mr. Aizen!" he said pleasantly, waving and walking away. I blinked in confusion.

"Uh – what? Wait, where is he going? Grimmjow! Get your hands off me!" I hissed, and then looked back at the man who was quickly running away. "Where is he going? Aizen –" I cut off, _horribly _confused, before turning towards the blue-haired moron behind me. "Grimmjow."

"… Hello, Ulqui?" he said meekly, and it died under the force of my withering glare.

"Please explain to me now why a mere human knows about Aizen-sama, why you were conversing with him, and if he was the reason for your 'pressing issue to attend to' this morning," I murmured dangerously, "Since I had to battle people-trash for pancakes in the _Human World_ because the kitchen was _occupied _by Szayel and _then _I had to fend off fan girls –"

"Fan girls?" Grimmjow interrupted, looking behind me before his eyes twitched. "Shit! Why the fuck is Hel with them?!"

"- I wasn't finished, Grimmjow. Take all of the above, and add in the fact that I was _ALONE while DOING ALL OF __**THAT,**__"_ I emphasized mercilessly, and Grimmjow blinked.

"You missed me," he deduced, and I glared.

"I said nothing of the sort –"

"You missed me. Aw, Ulqui." Grimmjow grinned, shifting the bag he was holding in his hands. "You were jealous, weren't you?"

"We're _about to be married, you imbecile,_" I said, puncturing every single word by jabbing a finger onto an open palm to make a point. Grimmjow could be surprisingly dense at times.

He blinked, and shrugged. "Yeah, I know that."

…

…

I blinked.

"Uh?"

Grimmjow snickered.

Then I glared.

"Then what was –"

"I was off doing a favor for Aizen; he wanted me to come so that they could size up my finger for the ring he's about to custom-make. My fingers are kinda large, you know," Grimmjow explained, shrugging, waving his hands in my face. Then he smirked. "I guess your turn's up tomorrow or the day after, because they're only getting the materials for _your _ring later today. That's all. Aizen didn't want you to come because he seriously advised me from waking you up so early and the appointment was at like eight in the morning or whatever. And Hel was sleeping at the time too, who the fuck is stupid enough to wake him up anyway, with you around?"

The day I was struck speechless was the day when I promised to give Grimmjow a knee to the balls, but didn't make it.

"… Uh."

"And didn't Aizen tell you anything?"

"… No. He simply told me that you had pressing issues to attend to."

Grimmjow snorted. "Typical. That was the jeweler, by the way – er, at least, the son. It's a family business." He looked around, and grinned. "Yo, Hel!"

"Mommy!" he squealed, running up to hug the blue-haired _moron_ who made me _speechless, _still, and I still couldn't help but stare off into space. "Is Daddy okay?"

"He'll be fine. Eventually." Grimmjow laughed evilly, and then scooped up Hel into his arms. "So, what did you have?"

"Pancakes! Daddy bought them from me and fought the mean people off to get them."

"Ulqui made contact with _humans?_"

"Uh-huh." Hel grinned toothily, before frowning with a worried look. "Is that a good thing?"

"Yeah, you're like, making us do things we don't usually do. You lucky punk!"

Hel grinned like the sun and I hissed, shielding my eyes from the brightness.

Or maybe to block Grimmjow from spotting that I had an inhumanely _**red **_flush coloring my face. For the first time in my life, I felt embarrassed.

Grimmjow, being the perceptive moronic fool he was, crowed. "Oh my god, Ulqui, are you blushing!?"

The fan girls in the background squealed, and I growled.

And that's the story of how I eventually, kneed him in the balls anyway.

xoxox

When we went back, Grimmjow was clutching his nether regions and could barely speak a word that wasn't one octave higher than his normal voice range. Hel asked about it.

I didn't answer.

Funnily enough, Aizen congratulated us on our new understanding and quickly rushed us up to our rooms, personally. I cocked an eyebrow at this. Now, normally, I wouldn't question his orders.

…

Wait, no, I _never _question his orders.

(I silently blamed my sudden rebellious attitude on Grimmjow. I couldn't help it; he was like the scapegoat for everything that went wrong in Las Noches, and not that he was so _him _that the superiors just took everything as it was. The blue-haired fool was usually oblivious enough to it all so he didn't kick up much of a fuss.

_You mean all those times when I got berated for SOMETHING I didn't fucking do like eat Aizen-sama's noodles –_

That was Halibel. She was craving for them.

_- the books about the justice crap shredded all over –_

Nnoitra, he was getting back at Tousen.

_- the flooded throne room –_

Stark fell asleep when he was turning on the taps.

_AND especially 'leaving my blue hair in the shower and getting the pipes stuck' was because of __**YOU PEOPLE!?**_

…

…

Yes.

_WHAT THE FUCK?! Like I tried telling you fucking people, Szayel was doing an experiment on my released form and tried to shave off my fucking hair! Then he fucking dumped it all in the fucking pipes!_

Considering if anything goes wrong around here it'll naturally be you – it isn't strange if Aizen-sama believed Szayel.

_Fuck. You._

That is quite a lot of 'fuck's, Grimmjow.

_AGH! I can't believe I'm hearing this! … Wait, how about Tousen? He's probably the one to blame me for all the things I didn't do, right? Out of all the people –_

No, he was too caught up in his beliefs of justice. He said it wasn't fair.

… _Asshole Tousen said that? Wow._

Yes, well, he _was _the one who set the kitchen on fire two weeks afterwards.

… _That was him._

Yes, that was him.

…

…

_**WHAT THE FUCK**__ -_)

Anyway, as I have said before that long discussion – I _never, ever, _question Aizen-sama's orders.

Until now.

"Why, exactly, Aizen-sama?" slipped out of my lips, and Aizen stared at me funnily, before giving me a pat on the back. I blinked at the reaction.

"Why, to arrange your wedding ceremony, of course! The wedding planner needs to take measurements of the main banquet hall!"

Grimmjow cocked an eyebrow. "We have a banquet hall?"

I stared. "You hired _wedding planners?_"

"I built it yesterday," Aizen said dismissively. "And of course. I may be pulling the strings, but I need the peons to do the rest of the work for me! How are you, Hel?" he asked suddenly, steering away from the subject, and Hel beamed.

"I'm real happy Mommy and Daddy are gonna get married!" he cheered, and I instinctively ran a hand through his hair. Grimmjow did the same thing, and our hands touched.

We stared at each other, before looking away at the same time. Aizen said something I didn't quite catch, but I didn't think I wanted to know.

"So then, go upstairs and take a rest. You two seem tired! How was the jeweler, Grimmjow?"

"Eh, he's alright, didn't piss me off so much I wanted to scream." Grimmjow smirked. "Ulqui got jealous."

…

…

Aizen turned around to hide the shaking of his shoulders.

Which meant that the man was laughing.

"I refuse to speak to you," I said coldly towards Grimmjow, ignoring him with the force of an Antartic Penguin. I grabbed Hel's hand and dragged him away. "By the way, Aizen-sama…" My eyes glinted dangerously as I curved my lips. "How is Szayel? It is duly noted that he will be in tremendous pain if he ever crosses my path, for the emotional trauma he has caused Hel."

Aizen blinked.

Then smiled, clapping his hands together.

"You're calling him Hel! Good, good, you two are getting along well!"

…

…

_DOES HE NOT SEE THE POINT OF THE SENTENCE? ARGH!_

I took off my shoe and threw it at Grimmjow.

Seeing as _he_ was to be blamed for this.

Stupid overbearing -

Grimmjow stared. "You missed," he said blandly, which made me _snap _and throw another one, this time hitting him square on the face. Aizen and Hel laughed.

- idiotic blue-haired _moron._

xoxox

xoxox

End chapter 7.

xoxox

A/N: Not as good as the other ones but I needed something to make them bond. And I always imagined Ulquiorra to be somewhat like that, in his mind. Dx I'm sorry for the letdown of the lack of the humor. ;w; I wanted to do Ulquiorra's POV.

Have a nice day, people.

In the next chapter – EDUCATION AND GIN. XD


	8. Making Friends

**A/N:** Lol, I was frustrated and there was supposed to be this long rant in the Author's Notes about me letting you guys down... But I didn't want to spoil the mood of the story. XD I feel okay now anyway. But seriously, if it doesn't meet your expectations, I'm sorry. I'm really exhausted from this flu I have.

Enjoy Chp. 8, you guys! I love you all 8D

Vanya nickname derived from Ivan.

Why do you need to know this?

You need to know.

:D

**x**

**The Espada's Guide to Parenting**

Chapter Eight

Making Friends

**x**

**x**

I was finding my fucking inner goddamn peace when it Happened.

Let's start from the beginning. Now, there was _no way _a guy wouldn't be overwhelemed when he finds out that he's a Mom to some fucking Arrancar Kid (those things exist?) and in the same day the Arch-Rival gets to be the Dad. Now, if that's not an insult to a guy's ego and balls, I don't know what is.

And in the same week, you find you that you're gonna get married off to said Arch-Rival.

Probably at this stage your noodle's gonna say 'What the fuck MC FUCKIT' and kick the fucking bucket, but because I have nerves of steel, it just means foaming in the mouth and blacking out.

(For the record, it never happened.)

(And to those smartasses who wants to say that it really did happen and you can find it in Chapter Five, be ready to meet my Fist. It will beat your Ass.)

So I was finding my inner peace.

"Aum..."

The book said to concentrate. So I really did. I'm concentrating in sitting right with the whole hand poses and the shitty mantra you have to repeat every two seconds. I'm concentrating to ignore the two other occupants of the room which are ironically enough my _beloved _Spouse and the Spawn From The Lost Eighth Level of Hell. I'm concentrating to ignore their conversation because apparently Ulqui had a spazzfest earlier about the kid's education.

(I'm not going to bitch about it because there were too many big words but to put it in a nutshell, Ulqui just had a spazzfest. End.)

"Aum..."

So I'm just ignoring the bunch until I can get my nerves back online. Parenting can really be such a bitch on the head.

"Aum..."

"Daddy, what's Mommy doing?"

There was a pause. Huh, funny. Ulqui never really _pauses._

"That blue-haired buffon of your mother is trying to meditate, though he's not really making the effort." The man snorted. "Quite ungraceful. You can't just relate _meditating_ to one such a Grimmjow _Jaggarjak."_

Okay, um, that was low. What the fuck? Is he still sore about the jeweler's son earlier yesterday? Or was it the teasing? He's already got me in the head with his fucking shoe, and even that was uncalled for. I mean, you can't just keep calling the kid Helios, there's gotta be some times when you slip. Just that this time he slipped in front of Aizen.

I mean Dad.

But still.

Ugh.

Must resist urge to retort.

Must resist.

Must fucking resist it for the love of -

Fuck it.

"That's a lie and you know it, Ulqui; I can be as graceful as however the fuck I wanna be. One of the perks being a cat," I snapped out, opening one eye. It totally threw me when Hel started giggling and Ulqui had this sort of almost smile on his face. "Uh, missing out on something, here?"

"I told Helios that I could make you lose your concentration."

"And you did! Mommy, you're really funny."

I just rolled my eyes. "Yeah, real funny guys. Now shut it, I need to concentrate here."

"You can just keep quiet and repeat the mantra in your head," Ulquiorra said idly, because he was so fucking high and mighty, "But then for a beginner like you, the 'Aum' is a good start. Though it makes you look like a goldfish."

I glared.

"An angry goldfish...?" Ulqui tried, and I gave him the Motherfuckin' Glare of all Glares. "Furious Goldfish, then."

"It sounds like a superhero," Hel said wisely, and both of us choked on our own spit. Then the loudspeaker went on.

_"Grimmjow, Ulquiorra, please meet up in my office. Hurry up, you two lovebirds!"_

Ulqui and I just stared blankly at the speaker.

"_Bring your lovely son, too! From your loving Dad._"

_I will not kill him for just announcing that to the whole fucking world. I will not kill him for just announcing that to the whole fucking world._

_I will not. I will not._

"I feel the slight urge to murder someone," Ulquiorra said airily, while Hel just _beamed _like the fucking goddamned sun.

_LIKE WHAT THE FUCK MCFUCKIT_

My brain kicked the bucket and it went black. Again.

Of course, later I'm not gonna admit that it happened.

**x**

Then when I arrived at the office, I realized two things.

One, there was no way I can just kill Aizen. He's still the most powerful goddamned shitass bastard to have ever lived in this dimension and the next.

And two, I had the _Feeling._

You know that sudden foreboding feeling that you just _know _that if you go through that door or if you do something or _whatever, _its gonna come back up and just bite you in the balls. Usually, for anyone else, they'd be running for the exit as fast as they can (because like seriously who needs bruised unmentionables?). But I have two things working against me to achieve that goal.

One, I'm dealing with a mass-psychopathic murderer here. Running out won't just solve the problem; it'll blow it out of proportion.

Two, I'm a Stupid DumbFuck TM with a large ego and a massive 'Don't Say Die' attitude.

With these things mixed in together, you can safely say there was nothing to save me from my impending Doom.

"Ah, Grimmjow! Ulquiorra! How are you!" Aizen asked with a flourish, going through his wedding plans on the table. Gin wasn't too far behind, and - wait a minute what the fuck is Szayel and Stark doing here?

Wait, Szayel was beaming like shit. Shit. Must protect Hel. Funnily enough, he doesn't seem to be moving. It's like... He's happy for no reason.

Oooookay... I'm freaked out.

And Stark's - Fuck. He doesn't look sleepy!? WHAT THE FUCK.

OKAY NOW I'M FREAKED OUT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

But whatever. I just kept glaring at Aizen for good measure. Ulquiorra just gave a cold face of dispassionate Ulquiorra Disapproval, which seemed to bounce off Aizen like jelly.

That guy was just... Un-affect-able. What the shit. Most Arrancars I know would wilt under the force of _that _look. (I'm not one of them.) Huh.

"Grimmjow, Ulquiorra, you're in luck! It seems that this phenomena of having children appearing out of nowhere seems to be affecting the community. I think it has something to do with the war. Of course with casualties from either side, it's only natural that we'd want to repopulate... And the children might be forming from the immense amounts of spirit particles floating around because of the war. It's just a theory, though. But the children seem to have a mind of their own in selecting their own parents. I heard its even happening to Shinigamis in Seireitei. At least, that's what Ukitake told me. Ichigo has a daughter with that Renji fellow, I believe."

Um, to clear up confusion, after the war, basically the captains and the commanders and stuff became drinking buddies. It applied to Stark and that Kyoraku dude. Kinda weird, but whatever.

Well, I got lost after the 'seems to be affecting the community' part. It doesn't matter if other people were getting it, because it doesn't change the fact that I'm still stuck getting married to Ulquiorra.

"So, uh, where is this going, exactly?" I asked, cocking an eyebrow because I'm pro like that.

"You're not the only one! That means Hel will have friends and he'll grow up in a community with the same children as him!" Aizen declared merrily. "Who knows, when they grow up Hel will eventually have a spouse as well and I'll have great-grandchildren. An interesting prospect, really."

My mind went Boom. I'm sure Ulquiorra was doing the same thing.

"I'm, sorry, but did you say Hel will get married off as well when he grows up?" Ulquiorra asked haltingly, eye obviously twitching as he plotted a silent, silent death. I was thinking of the same thing.

Both of us clutched Hel's hand tighter. He simply looked around for another kid. "There's another one too? Where? Where!"

"Ulqui."

"Yes, Grimmjow?"

"We need to talk."

"Agreed," he said, and Aizen clapped, beaming.

"You two are really getting along well! All according to plan - I mean, yes, very good."

Wait.

WAIT.

"So the reason why Stark and Szayel are in here is because -" I asked, cutting myself off because I felt traumatized.

"Of course! Szayel, where's your darling son?"

Okay, Szayel, I know your teeth are so fucking shiny, but you don't need to show them at me over and over again. He sidestepped, and there was a kid. No surprise. He was half a head taller than Hel, and then it struck me how short Hel actually was. He was slouching - no surprise there. He had messy, wavy hair parted to the side, that was black (at least it wasn't a weird shade like Szayel's girly pink) and -

Wait, I said it too soon.

_Pink_ eyes.

"Meet Ivan Raidenovitch Raikov!" Szayel announced proudly, hugging his kid to an inch of his life. Ulquiorra raised an eyebrow at Stark.

"I'll hazard a guess it was Szayel who did the naming?"

"Can't go against that," he said idly, but he did smile when Szayel beamed at him.

"So who's the mom? Stark?" I asked sarcastically, cocking an eyebrow.

"No, it's Szayel. You don't honestly expect _me _to be the mother, do you?" Stark asked, synonymous with the tone 'You are Stupid', but that wasn't what made me sputter.

"Wait, what the fuck! Is my kid the only one whose Mommy/Daddy recognizing skills are warped beyond belief!"

"I told you, I am the Dad," Ulquiora said with a quiet pride, and I glared.

"Shut up, or I'll fucking throw my shoe at your face."

I turned back to the scene. I gotta respect the kid a little - he actually held it off with a stoic face, before smiling charmingly.

The charm kicked up to the maximum level when he saw Hel. "Hi."

Then, like all the Unknown Great Truths that everybody and anybody would seem to know, I knew, right then and there - I don't like this kid.

AT ALL.

I growled like a protective bitch - I mean, I growled because I felt that Hel's honor was threatened. Fellow Espada kid or not, he's not getting anywhere near _my kid._

"You can call me Raikov," he said, winking at Hel who 'um'ed and saying it so _perfectly _and I felt like punching the kid's face in. He's a fucking kid so he shouldn't be making passes at my _son._

Hel smiled. "You can call me Hel."

"I just found my parents two days ago. How 'bout you?" Raikov asked Hel, totally ignoring me, the world, and how fast he was growing to be the Number One Pain In The Ass for me.

"I found them about a week ago? I 'unno. You're the first Arran'car kid. Can..." Hel blushed, ducking his head. "Can I be your friend? Please?"

"Of course you can! I was about to ask the same thing!"

"Really?" Man, his eyes were shining.

"Uh-huh. Nice to meet you, Hel."

Hel blushed again, and smiled shyly. "Nice to meet you too, Raikov."

"_You_ can call me Vanya," he said suavely - WHAT THE FUCK NO. WAY TOO SUAVE FOR MY TASTE, KID. HOW CAN KIDS BE SUAVE ANYWAY? FUCK IT.

This is going DOWN.

Roar, my inner beast.

ROAR.

Panthera needs a new soul to slaughter, anyway, and that kid's gonna be the first one. I call for first blood. Hiss.

"You stay away from him," Ulqui and I snapped at almost the same time, and Gin squealed in the background like a fangirl along with Szayel. Fuck, I don't need him to turn into a fan either. Stark simply sighed, while the kid - Raikov - actually had the nerve to smirk.

"I'm just making friends, _Uncle._"

Condenscending little _brat _-

"Hey! No pointing ceros at my kid, Grimmy!" Szayel warned off, and I grumbled, putting back my finger. Stupid regulations. "That's better. Vanya and Hel are gonna get along real well! Right, Stark?"

"Right."

"Szayel."

The whole world went to look at Ulquiorra, who glared an Absolutely Fucking Freezing _Antarctic_ GLARE TM Copyright Registered ETC towards the pink-haired scientist.

Said scientist adjusted his glasses and played it off with a Disposition of Indifference.

It failed. Ulquiorra 1; Szayel 0.

"Yes, Ulquiorra?"

"Be warned that if your son gets anywhere near mine with unholy intentions, balls will roll. I still haven't forgotten about you depriving Hel of his breakfast early yesterday morning, either. Am I clear?" he asked dangerously, and fangirls all over the world scream at his burst of outrage (or what you can call of it, anyway. The guy has a fucking shitload of fangirls).

Back off, I'm getting married to the guy, thank you very much. No, you can't take a picture of him. Back the fuck off.

Anyway (no I did not get possessive over Ulquiorra just now TY) Szayel just blinked. Then he blushed.

Wait.

Szayel.

BLUSHING.

I see no pigs flying. Yet. THAT MEANS I HAVE MISSED A CRUCIAL INFORMATION INVOLVING SZAYEL YESTERDAY WHEN I WAS GETTING THAT RING.

AG, DAGNABBIT.

I'm sorry, but the overload of information just gets to you. I've gotta remind myself to find my inner peace later and beat the living shit out of this Raikov-bastard-kid. He's not getting anywhere near _my HEL._

"Crystal, Ulqui," he replied distractedly, scratching the side of his cheek. "But my Vanya's a handful. I can only do so much!" he said cheerfully, beaming. Obviously he was excited at the prospect of having Hel and Raikov together.

I, am not.

Aizen got through to us before any blood was spilled, though. Lucky bastards.

"Now, time to get to the point of this meeting."

"You mean the announcement of having kids earlier wasn't the main point?"

"No, that was the second main point. Which makes it secondary. Gin has called upon to me something very interesting."

"Which is?" Szayel asked, tilting his head.

"Your children's education."

Oh, fuck, what the fuck. I knew it'll come to bite me in the fucking balls. What the fuck. WHAT THE FUCK. Ulquiorra just looked triumphant and I resisted the urge to slap the man I was about to marry. I didn't care about that, no. I was going 'WTF' more at the fact that GIN PLUS EDUCATION MEANS NU-UH.

A BIG NU-UH.

"Gin told you this," Stark asked flatly, more like a statement actually. The silver haired man beamed at the background.

See? SEE? EVEN _STARK_ IS FUCKING QUESTIONING IT. BUT NOT REALLY. I MEAN, STILL, THERE WAS A POINT THERE.

End CAPS.

"Yeah! I asked Aizen-sama if we could have-a sort of school for the little kiddies. Yanno, like the Shinigami Academy back at Seireitei but more like academics-based. I dunno, from the form of education they have at the moment, its safe to say they haven't left the basics of cero-wielding. We don't want another Szayel to happen, now, do we?"

The pink haired man glared.

Oh hey. Now I remember. Come to think of it, how the hell did Szayel grow all that hair back?

He sniffed and I got my answer. "Hair tonic from my experiments."

"No permanent damage done! So these kids are Arrancars. Pretty soon they'll have their own zanpaku-tos too. You wouldn't want all that spirit energy to lie around, would you?" Gin waved his finger, and this is where I saw how brilliant the lieutenant of the leader of Arrancars was.

Damn, this guy's good.

Ulquiorra just nodded. "I agree with this. We should have a special lesson plan set up. A few more children would be appearing for sure... Wouldn't you want to rally the kids up, Aizen-sama?"

"I've already identified them. Szayel built the device," Aizen said confidently, and I rolled my eyes. Trust the guy to have everything set up already. "Lessons start tomorrow, but the lessons are conducted by the Arrancars themselves. Ulquiorra, you are most proficient at cero, you take that. Stark would be in charge of their _sonido _training. Grimmjow would take up on hand to hand combat. Halibel would be instructing them on their swords as soon as they have them - Szayel on basic mathematics and sciences... And a few Shinigami would also be helping out, since this is actually a joint effort. Yamamoto agreed on the terms."

"What the fuck? Shittygami's comin' along?"

"They're teaching the kids on their Shinigami counterparts. Actually it's all quite simple, you don't need to worry about the details, only that the lessons would be conducted here. I'll just announce it over the speakerphone. The first lesson is tomorrow, and it's not by any of you."

"Eh?" everyone asked, cocking an eyebrow. What the hell?

"Yep, it's by me!" Gin exclaimed gleefully, grinning. "General Information!"

...

...

...

...

"OH FUCK SHIT NO," slipped out of my lips, and everyone of them snapped out of it.

"Helios/Raikov will not be attending that particular lesson tomorrow," both Ulquiorra and Stark said immediately, and they glanced at each other.

"Hey! That's not fair at all!" Gin whined, sniffing, turning to Aizen. "Aizen-samaaaa."

Aizen immediately raised an eyebrow at us. We froze.

Shit. Fuck.

SHIT.

FUCK.

Szayel wailed.

"Do I hear any complaints?" he asked pleasantly, and I could see my life flashing before my eyes.

"No, Aizen-sama."

"Good. Your first lesson with Gin will start first thing tomorrow morning at 11 o'clock to accomodate for Ulquiorra's sleeping tendencies."

Man, the guy's cheeks actually coloured.

"Yes, Aizen-sama."

"Well, you all are dismissed! I'm so proud of my sons," Aizen said offhandedly, over to Gin who beamed and kissed him on the corner of his mouth. "You're so troublesome."

"You know you love me."

Ech, old love. They've been going strong for - how many centuries now? Yeesh.

"Um, I guess it's time to go," Hel said, kicking the floor and clutching his plushie tightly. When did that appear?

"You have a cute cat there, Hel."

"It reminds me of my Mommy, yeah."

"You're pretty cute too."

Hel blinked. "Um... Okay," was what he settled on, and Raikov smirked.

"I like you _a lot._ I'll see you around, Hel," Raikov-brat said, and then did a thing that, in a million years, even I wouldn't have seen ahead. Ulquiorra stopped. Stark stopped. Szayel - well, he squealed. He held Hel's hands and kissed him. I mean, he missed, and it was chaste and all (they were a couple of kids for Aizen's sake), BUT WHAT.

THE.

FUCKING.

MCFUCKITY.

SHIT.

WAS THAT.

INSERT SOME MORE SWEAR WORDS HERE.

Sun and Earth MEET.

THE WORLD WENT KEBABOM.

"I'M GONNA KILL THAT FUCKING BRAT!" I roared, chasing after Raikov, who laughed evilly and ran like nobody's business, waving at Hel who blushed like shit and covering his face.

This here?

Means war.

Well, after my wedding. Aizen's gonna kill me if I start any 'upheavals' before his carefully-planned once-in-what-was-probably-a-fucking-long-lifetime-event.

**x**

**Chapter Eight End.**

**x**

**x**

A/N: Don't kill me! XD Ivan Raidenovitch Raikov is from Metal Gear Solid 3! I don't own that! But I did play the game. XD; It's just too hilarious.

Well, read and review then! 8D I love you guys.


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